“Ethan, it wasn’t just you. I should have told you how I felt about it, how I felt aboutyou. But it all happened so quickly. One day we were just having fun and then I blinked and suddenly I found myself worried that no matter what I did, there was no way you would be able to love me how I loved you, and I figured it was better to just…go.”
His words pour out of him. When it’s over, his breath is coming hard, his eyes not quite meeting mine. I find myself stunned, struggling to understand his words.
“Love?”
The word has knocked the breath out of me. I don’t even know the last time someone used it with me, and I find myself unable to believe Jamie is using it now.
I reach out a hand, grabbing one of his. Finally, his eyes meet mine.
“Yeah. I think so.” His lips press together tightly, a deep groove forming between his eyebrows.
I take a deep breath, feeling the anxiety rising up in my throat. Still, I know Jamie deserves the truth.
“Me too, Jamie. Love.” I squeeze his hand, hoping he’ll hear what I’m not quite able to say.
Finally, I get a full smile out of him. Radiant, like I haven't seen since January. I can't help myself.
“Can I kiss you?”
He laughs out loud.
“I hope you're going to do a lot more than that.”
Taking my cue, I lean in, meeting his soft lips with my own. I'vemissedthis, missed sharing his space, sharing his breath. Our tongues tangle together as Jamie scoots nearer, almost in my lap. We break apart, if only to catch our breath.
“So, I've been doing some research.”
“Research?”
I can tell he's a little confused.
“On, uh, bottoming.”
I know I should probably wait until we're home for this, in our own space. But for years, I've completely kept myself from thinking about it. It wasn't until Jamie that I saw how wrong my ideas were, how much power could be found in vulnerability. Here, weak with gratitude to have him in my life, I want to share that with him.
“Why?” Jamie echoes the thought in my mind, and I have to trace back our conversation in my mind to understand what he's asking.
“Why...have I been doing research?”
He nods at me, so close his hair brushes my cheek as he does.
“Because I thought...I'd like to try it.”
He stares at me, his eyebrows knitting together.
He grabs my hand, pulling back a bit as he does. He turns his head to look at me and I wonder how I've managed to mess this up.
“You know you don't have to, right?” He squeezes my hand as he says this, and I can't help but think how lucky I am to have this man in my life.
“I know that,” I tell him, nodding.
“It doesn't make you any less gay, even if youneverbottom. Plenty of men never do.”
I am struck by how easy it would be to believe Jamie was the older of the two of us. He's certainly had more experience with these conversations, and in this moment I'm grateful for that.
“I know that, too. But I also know why I never allowed it to be an option forme. And it's got enough to do with my fucked up views on men and masculinity that I want to...challenge it? Besides, you seem to enjoy it.”
I wink at him, trying to lighten the mood. Sure enough, a smirk creeps onto his mouth.
