“We had a strange and long day. A lot to digest. Why don’t you start with sleep? Or a bath?”
“I think I’ll sleep first. Thank you.” I finally move forward.
“If you need anything, let me know.”
I trudge across the room, the dusk drawing shadows around the space. I reach the bedroom, but before I open its door, I hesitate.
I might be tired, but the unresolved energy between us will keep me up. I return to the living room and find Liam in the kitchen. With his hands braced against the counter, his head is bowed.
Something breaks inside me at the sight of thisdefeated man. Part of me is very upset with him for his betrayal and scheming. Another part feels for the man whose driving force in life has been revenge.
It doesn’t absolve him of his manipulations and lies, but it sheds a softer light on his actions. I have compassion for him. I just wish I weren’t his target.
Liam shakes his head slightly, and I step back, retreating from his view. Today has been eventful enough. I don’t want to react while being this confused and tired.
I tiptoe back to the bedroom. I should take a shower or brush my teeth, but as the door clicks behind me, I can’t hold it anymore.
Climbing under the covers, I finally allow myself to break down. I let the pillow absorb my sobs and tears.
I mourn the loss of my career. I cry for my sister, and the freedom that currently seems unattainable.
I fall apart because I’m exhausted. Because I’m scared for the little being growing inside me.
Because I grieve the relationship I could never have with the man who was never supposed to mean much, and yet the gap his betrayal caused hurts.
It fucking hurts so much.
And most of all, I weep because even if I saw past his actions and accepted his apologies, there is a baby I need to think about. A baby whose father I don’t know.
I don’t remember the last time I cried this much.The catharsis seems unattainable, which in my pitiful current state makes me even sadder.
The mattress dips, and I let out a loud hiccup. There is no point in hiding my breakdown because Liam clearly heard me.
Without a word, he slides beside me and wraps his arm around my body. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t offer words of comfort. He just holds me in his embrace.
No platitudes. No promises. No control. Just presence.
His silent support breaks another dam, and I give up on hiding my emotions and let go.
The pillow under my cheek is soaked with my saliva, tears, and snot. My body convulses in Liam’s arms.
The meltdown doesn’t cease. It slows down slightly, and the bawling changes to loud sobs, and eventually to softer hiccups.
The entire ordeal feels like an intense workout session, my body completely spent. Liam remains a silent witness, his embrace an unexpected harbor.
And as the darkness claims my weary brain, and the edges of my consciousness blur with only slightly relieved agony, a thought settles.
Far from gentle or comforting, it wraps around me with its terrifying clarity.
He fixed nothing. He didn’t even try. I simply felt safe because he stayed.
I broke down in the safety of his embrace.
I feel safe with this man. I can be myself with him.
And I really don’t know if that makes him my refuge or my undoing.
I’m fucked.
