I have never felt dirty or gross about our relationship, until this moment. Knowing that someone had not only witnessed us in a compromising position but had also photographed it and sent it to school officials made me feel queasy. Imagining the board and the dean seeing these photos threatens to push rising bile out of my throat.
“Okay,” I say slowly. “Obviously, we got carried away, and we shouldn’t have done any sort of PDA outside of our apartments, but?—”
“No,” he cut me off. “There is no ‘but’ about it. We fucked up. Those pictures could end upanywhere.”
“I don’t think we should assume the worst here, Asher.”
“Why not?” he demands. “You could be kicked out of the program. I could get fired.”
My stomach drops at the mere idea of either of those possibilities. “Neither of those is a guaranteed outcome here. Let’s take a step back and wait to see what happens. But getting worked up and assuming the worst possible outcome isn’t going to help either of us.”
“We weren’t careful in the slightest,” he growls. “Playing pool at the bar, helping you study, adding in study guides because you suggested it,” he scoffs. It’s an ugly sound. “I was unfair because of you. I didn’t help any other students study, and I didn’t grade their work first just to tell them their grades. I didn’t change my coursework for them.”
“That’s not why we’re together, and you know it,” I insist desperately as the feeling of hot tears wells in my eyes.
He sighs. “I know that.Iknow that… but no one else does.”
“No one but us has to know those things. Those aren’t things they can prove. If you unconsciously did those things because you cared for me… so what?” I throw my hands up. “Is it entirely right? No. But it’s not as devious as you’re making it sound.”
He inhales deeply. “Summer, the repercussions here could be devastating.”
“Did the dean say what would happen?” I ask more calmly than I feel.
He shakes his head. “No, but the insinuation was that it wouldn’t be good.”
“You’re not my professor anymore. Surely that means something in the grand scheme of things.” I’m grasping at straws, but one of us has to remain positive here. One of us has to remain hopeful.
“How are you so calm about all of this?” he asks quietly, running his hands through his hair and leaving it disheveled.
“Worrying about the worst when you’re unsure if that’s what’s going to happen only causes unnecessary anxiety,” I say gently as I place a hand on his arm.
He suddenly pulls me into a bone-crushing hug, as if he thinks I’ll disappear the moment he lets me go. I wrap my arms just as tightly around him, worrying the same thing.
After a few moments of tense silence, he backs away from me and sits down on the couch, dropping his face into his hands. Obviously, my failed pep talk had not done anything to ease his dread.
What happens now? Is he thinking of ending everything between us?
I’m not sure I’ll be able to bear it if he leaves me. Talk about setting back the feminist movement, but sue me, Asher has become a pillar in my life that’s always there to support me. I can’t just give that up. Not without a fight.
A sickening dread settles deep in my stomach like a heavy lead weight, dragging me down.I can’t lose him.
I rack my brain for any way out of this God-awful scenario. I don’t know what I’ll do if we can’t work something out.
The simple idea of no longer being with him, laughing with him, spending the night with him, and loving him is devastating. I rub at a sharp pain in my chest while I look down at Asher, who hasn’t removed his face from his hands, but it does look like he’s digging his nails intohis scalp. The pain in my chest grows sharper the more I worry about what will happen to us.
Is it possible for a heart to literally break?
The dawning realization that I’m in love with Asher Stirling hits me like a thousand-pound weight. No. It was never supposed to get so serious. How did I let myself fall for my professor of all people?
And now everything is fucked.
Someone has irrefutable proof that I fucked my professor. There are images of me having sex out there in the world. And the dean has seen them.
Bile churns in my gut.
Everything is ruined. Everything is over.
We knew the consequences, and we chose to ignore them anyway. Part of me had thought there was no way that anything would happen to us. The idea of being caught had never crossed my mind. It felt like some far-off storm cloud that would never cross our path.
