“She says she is proud of me,” she finally whispered when she calmed somewhat. “I cannot recall her ever saying anything remotely like that. She …,” Elizabeth drew a deep breath, “she has read of my success in the papers and sees how well I am doing in London, andthatsuccess is the thing that she chooses to be proud of me for. She had read about me in the gossip sheets and heard Mrs Phillips and others speak about my success, which made her realise what a terrible mother she always was to me. She knows I would never invite her here as things currently stand between us, and now she wants to apologise.” She sat up, not relinquishing her husband’s touch, as she thought. Finally, her need to move overwhelmed her, and she got up and began to pace.
“What do we do now?” she asked her husband.
“What do you mean, love?” he wondered.
“How do we respond? Do I even respond to them at all? Do I wait to see what else they might say? I have not heard from my mother in eighteen months, and she waits until now, until she has read of my success in the newspapers as a hostess and read about how well Georgiana has been received, now she writes to apologise. Why now? Why not when Alex was first born? Why not when Mary was to be married? Lydia will finish school soon, and we already planned to give her a season next year, so she cannot want to ask for that, but does she want to come to London? Does she want me to host her here at Darcy House? I cannot help but be suspicious of her motivation.” Elizabeth was beginning to be angry at her mother’s choosing to wait until now to write.
Darcy stood from where he knelt and approached his wife cautiously. “Perhaps we should let things settle for a day or two before you do anything. You are feeling emotional right now, and it would be best to let that immediate reaction settle before you make any decisions.”
Elizabeth sighed deeply and walked into his open arms. “You are right, as always,” she teased. “I will write to my aunt and ask her to visit me in a day or two and discuss it with her. I need to speak with someone who knows her well, which you do not. I can vent my frustrations to my aunt and talk it through.” She held up her hand as she knew he was about to protest. “I know I can speak with you, dear, but I need another woman for this. Not Jane, as she would only encourage me to forgive her immediately and without another thought, but I am not Jane, and I cannot do that. I cannot erase years of what amounts to verbal abuse and the letters she sent after our marriage. I cannot immediately forgive and forget almost two years of silence because I refused to allow her to continue to harangue me in letters. I will speak tomy aunt—you are welcome to be present—but I need my aunt’s advice in this matter.”
He nodded his agreement with her plan. Then, examining her face and seeing evidence of fatigue, he spoke again. “Are you in need of a rest, love?” he growled.
She giggled like a schoolgirl, taking his hand and leading him towards the stairs.
Chapter Thirty-Two
The following morning, Elizabeth sat in their study, attempting to organise her thoughts. She tried to write at least the draft of a letter to her parents to show her aunt when she came to visit but found the right words unwilling to come. After some time, she sought her husband’s presence.
“How do I say that I am willing to accept your apology, but I am still not ready to forget the years of abuse and neglect, and I am most definitely unwilling to let my child be around you until I am certain you have truly changed?” Elizabeth asked him as she moved to sit in his lap.
Darcy chuckled as she settled herself. “You can be quite feline at times, my love,” he complained. Then he considered what she had said. “Well, I believe that is quite the mouthful to write in a letter. Do you believe it is necessary to say all of that directly? And have you invited your aunt here for tea?”
Elizabeth sighed, feeling frustrated with her forgetfulness. “No, I forgot I needed to do that first,” she admitted. “I should do that before I write even a draft of a letter to my parents. I thought I could start by putting my thoughts on paper, but I could notfind the right words. That made me forget my first purpose was to write the note to my aunt. I hate this period when my mind always feels so foggy.”
He smiled and laughed again. “So, you are admitting to it now? You are ready to say definitely that you are with child?” he asked.
“No, I am not ready to say that, William; it is much too early. We will not know for certain until the babe quickens; that will not happen for months. Remember, while we have faith, it is just a guess until he or she makes their presence known. Now, I need to send a note to my aunt inviting her for tea before I forget?”
Moving back to her chair at the small writing desk beside his, she immediately wrote the note and sent it with a footboy, who was instructed to wait for a response. While she waited, Elizabeth worked on her other correspondence, writing acceptances and refusals to several upcoming events and noting the dates on her calendar. As she and her husband worked on their tasks, they would occasionally speak to ask each other a question or to solicit an opinion.
They were in the midst of a lively debate regarding a proposed investment when the boy returned with a positive response to their invitation for the morrow. Mrs Gardiner would join them for tea the following morning. Mr Gardiner would accompany her, as he had business with her husband, and Kitty wanted to spend the morning with Georgiana so that she would come as well.
The Gardiners arrived earlythe following day for tea. Gardiner and Darcy retreated to the study to discuss the business venture Gardiner had proposed while the ladies settled in the drawing room for tea and conversation. Oddly, it was Kitty who opened the discussion of their mother with the news of a letter she had received from that lady.
“Lizzy,” she began, “I received the oddest letter from Mama. In it, she apologises for being a poor parent and for not teaching me to behave as a gentlewoman should. I had written to her about the dinner party you hosted when I visited for a few days, and in response, she wrotethisin reply.” Kitty held up the letter as if to illustrate. “I admit, I am astonished, as I would never have imagined Mama could write a letter like this. And it seems such an odd response to my description of a dinner party.”
Elizabeth sighed. “This is why I asked you to come today, Aunt,” she admitted as she turned towards that woman. “We received letters from Longbourn, from both Papa and Mama. It was the longest letter I have received from Papa since we last saw him eighteen months ago and the only letter I have received from Mama in that time. It contains the apology we demanded, but I have wondered about the timing of it. Frankly, I am surprised she did not make any effort to write once I had given birth to Alex, and now, more than a year after that event, she writes a letter of apology because my Aunt Phillips has been reading to her from the society pages.”
“What exactly did your mother say, Lizzy?” As Elizabeth seemed reluctant to respond, the younger girls seemed to recognise that this was not a conversation intended for them, and they excused themselves to the music room.
Once they were gone from the room, Elizabeth spoke to her aunt. “Oh, a lot about what she read in the paper and how surprisedshe was to learn that I have become a ‘celebrated hostess.’ Of course, that is due to her ‘excellent training’, but apparently, it was that that made her admit that she did a poor job in other areas. She told me she was proud of me, which I confess did affect me greatly when I first read it, but soon, I began to wonder what exactly her intentions were.”
Mrs Gardiner nodded. “What are you thinking?” she enquired.
“I have no idea, Aunt,” Elizabeth confessed with a laugh. “At first, I was so affected by her words that I descended into tears, but once I had a moment to think about it, I began to question why she would choose to do so now. Is she apologising because she is truly sorry for what she has done or because she has heard me spoken of in the gossip columns and seeks to align herself with me now so that she might benefit from the association? I cannot help but think she hopes that by reconciling herself to me, she can benefit from my position in society or if she thinks I will invite her to town.”
“Do you want to see her?” her aunt probed.
“Not really,” Elizabeth admitted. “I was never particularly close to her; I was always her least favourite. I have not missed hearing from her since we stated we would no longer receive her letters, but for several months before that day, her letters consisted of demands and criticisms. After we visited Longbourn that first time, her letters became insulting, and I did not respond. You and Lady Matlock have taken the role of grandmother to Alex and will continue to do so for any other children we have so they will not lack in any way. I do not know how to respond.” Elizabeth stopped, taking several moments to think about what to say next. Knowing her well, her aunt knew to wait for Elizabeth to speak further.
“I can forgive her for her actions, but an apology will do little to restore things between us. In truth, we have never had a normal mother-daughter relationship, or at least, not that I ever recall. I was struck by her telling me she was proud of me because it was the first time I could recall her making such a positive comment about me. Restoration is impossible when there is nothing to restore,” Elizabeth sighed.
Her aunt reached over to take her hand. “I saw how your mother always treated you and understand what you mean. Your mother always seemed to value Jane and Lydia above you and had little time for you. Nor did she ever have a good word to say about you before you wed; I understand how difficult it will be for you to forgive her enough to let her around her family. You want to see evidence that she has truly changed before you are willing to accept her back into your life.”
Elizabeth nodded her agreement. “I confess, I expressed many of these concerns to William upon reading what Mama had written. The fact that she came to this realisation after reading of my success makes me question it that much more, and if I am frank, it makes me a little angry that she has chosennowto accept me. It seems as if the reports of my success are what has made the difference, not anything that I have truly done. Thetonhas accepted me, so she desires to do the same.” Elizabeth sat there for several minutes thinking, and knowing her well, her aunt allowed her time to think. “I have wanted to hear that my mother was proud of me my entire life, but it appears she has only offered her approval because others have done so. How can I trust that? If thetonwere to turn against me, would she do the same? I suppose that makes it so hard for me to accept or know how to respond.”
“Will you reply to her?” her aunt gently prodded.
