I laugh at this. “Yeah, she’s sexy as fuck, of course I’d like to get out of the friend zone. But that’s not what Quinn wants right now. Or needs. So, we’re just friends.”
Nate gives me a look, his brow narrowed as he studies me, a curious look on his face. “Okay, who are you and what have you done with my friend?”
“Fuck off,” I say with a laugh. “I can be friends with a woman, you know.”
“You can?”
I give him a friendly punch in the shoulder. “Um, I’m friends with Sage, am I not?”
“Sure, but that’s only because I locked that down before you had a chance to try your moves on her.”
I let out a loud laugh. “Dude, please. Even when she first arrived and you acted like you fucking hated her. You didn’t let anyone within ten feet of Sage. You definitely gave off the stay-the-fuck-away vibes with her.”
“I never hated her,” he mumbles.
With a grin, I throw an arm around Nate’s shoulders, something he’s slowly become used to over the past year or so. “I know. We all knew that. You just needed to pull your head out of your ass and realize it.”
Nate gives me a sideways glance, a smirk on his face as he says, “Right, and when are you gonna get your head out of your ass and realize you want to be more than friends with Quinn, huh?”
“Dude, please. I already know I want more. But I’m also not a dick, so if it’s not what she wants right now, then I’m not going to push it.”
“So, you’re seriously okay just being friends with her?”
“I’m seriously okay with it,” I reply, staring at the closed curtain of the fitting room. Every now and then, Sage peeks inside, nodding or shaking her head in response to whatever Quinn is trying on. A weird feeling starts up in my chest, and if I didn’t know better, I’d almost think I was jealous.
“Why?” Nate asks.
Sage takes another look, pulling the curtain open a little wider this time so that I get a glimpse of Quinn in that blue bikini Sage picked out for her. She’s facing me, front on, but I still get a glimpse of her ass in the mirror on the back wall of the fitting room.
“Fuck, please pick the blue one.”
Beside me, Nate laughs, elbowing my side as he says, “Dude, you’re so fucked.”
“What?” I ask, not taking my eyes off Quinn.
“You are fucked,” Nate repeats.
“No, I’m not,” I say, turning back to him when Sage eventually closes the curtain.
“Yeah, you are,” he says with a grin. “Because you’re not even close to being okay in the friend zone.”
“Are you sure we should be doing this?” I ask Kai, feeling ridiculously self-conscious and certain I’m going to embarrass myself.
“Yes. Come on, it’ll be fun. I promise,” Kai replies, both boards tucked under his arms as we walk through the sand.
“Kai,” I say, my eyes cast downward, a nervous energy rolling through me, and for a split second, I feel like I might start crying. That or puke as my hands begin to shake, my knees going weak, bringing me back to a time I never want to relive.
To a time when I learned quickly that my job was to just stand around and look good. I wasn’t to say anything because opening my mouth might embarrass him, and embarrassing him equated to the worst possible thing that could happen.
I lost myself in all those days I stayed, and I hate that I missed all the red flags. I used to be opinionated and strong, something he said he was drawn to, telling me it was his favorite thing about me. But slowly he chipped away at all the things that made me who I was.
He’d nitpick little things, saying he didn’t like the dress I chose for an event because it was too much or that I looked sloppy when I left the house without makeup on. Reminding me that I was as much a reflection of him as he was. Just don’t ever be better than him, but also don’t be too little. The imaginary line was so thin I needed a magnifying glass to see it.
He began to control what I posted on social media, who I talked to, and while I thought it was just my friends being bothered that I was in a relationship with someone famous, he was the reason they all disappeared.
It was red flag after red flag, a constant cycle of build me up, knock me down, apologize, and do it all again.
Manipulation at its best, and I didn’t gain this clarity until I stepped away from it. But now I’m standing here, staring at the ocean, about to do something new, and it feels too intimate, too scary.
