It was much too loud to hear the breathing of Miss Blackwell next to me, but I could hear my own breaths deepening and slowing until it felt as though all three of us must be sharing the same rhythm, a slow, steady thrum to accompany the pealing water behind us. I sunk deeper into the bench, deeper into the soil at my feet, deeper into this land of theirs, this place of so many shared memories.
Time and all my concerns surrounding it slipped away.
After what could have been five minutes or twenty, Miss Blackwell shifted beside me. Her movement caused her arm to brush against mine. I stilled and waited for her to pull it away, but she didn’t. She must not have even noticed the small connection, but all of the focus I’d let slip away while listening to the waterfall returned full force and concentrated on the place where our arms met. Her touch mingled with the romantic breath of this shaded nook and sent a thrill of sensation humming up my arm.
My breathing stuttered to a halt. I’d lost the rhythm, thrust out of this moment by a very unwelcome awareness of the woman sitting so blissfully unaware beside me. One by one, my muscles seized up again until my body was so rigid I felt as though I was blaspheming the calming influence of this hallowed setting.
I carefully uncrossed my arms, moving slowly away from Miss Blackwell in hopes of going unnoticed. I kneaded my forehead and then leaned my head back again, but I couldn’t get back to the place I’d been only moments before—not with Miss Blackwell still so close to me. I inched even farther from her and stood up.
Charlie and Miss Blackwell blinked up at me, their eyes hazy and confused at the abrupt disruption of their peace. “Pardon me,” I said stiffly. “I’m going to continue my walk.”
This time, neither of them tried to stop me. Instead they only stared at me quietly as if they couldn’t quite understand my words, or more likely couldn’t understand why I would be in a rush. But then Miss Blackwell gave me a short nod, and I took advantage of it, turning to leave before she or Charlie decided to pull me into another moment with them.
I drew in a shaky but deep breath the moment a streak of sunlight touched my skin, pulling me completely away from that veiled piece of familial Eden. Someday, I would have places like that with Harriet and my children. Someday I might even be able to share them with May and Arthur.
But today that was a space for the Blackwell family, and I was done intruding upon it. I was done borrowing a feeling when I wanted to own it for myself.
And I would not add the feeling of Miss Blackwell’s arm resting against my own to my growing list of memories that plagued me whenever she was near.
15
EVELYN BLACKWELL
Charlieand I returned to the summer house after our time at the waterfall only to find Mama and Papa searching for us when we arrived. “Where is Captain Calder?” Papa asked.
I pursed my lips. “He didn’t return here? We showed him the waterfall, but he tired of it before we did.”
Charlie kicked at the dirt. “I should have stopped him. I wanted to show him the forest path around the lawn.”
I was the one who should have stopped him. Who knew where he was? It took only a few minutes for my brain to wake up and remember he knew where Hattie was and might be saddling his horse right now to ride into town. I shouldn’t have told him where she went. I didn’t want to be his nursemaid on the one day Hattie was away from the estate.
Mama hummed in concern. “With nearly everyone else in Peak Hollow, perhaps you two should find him.”
I couldn’t agree more. But maybe there was a way I could still have a day off. “Charlie, you should go. I’m certain Captain Calder would love to have you show him the grounds.”
“Shouldn’t you join them?” Mama asked
“I’d rather stay here with you.” And I’d rather not spend any more time with the captain. He was ... what was he? My mindwent back to the feel of his arm brushing against mine on the bench. As much as I’d tried to ignore it, I couldn’t. Unsettling. That’s what he was. His entrance into my life had completely uprooted my plans.. Now instead of focusing on Hattie, every day I had to focus on him. I needed a reprieve from such nonsense, and Charlie was the perfect person to give it to me.
“I don’t mind,” Charlie said, dashing along the path back toward the house, no doubt trying to take the decision away from my parents. “We’ll have more fun without Evelyn.”
“Check the stables first,” I called after him. “And make it clear you want to show him the grounds.” It was a risk to count on the captain being unwilling to disappoint Charlie, but it was a calculated one. I’d seen the way his eyes had softened earlier when Charlie had taken his hand.
I settled down on the cushion at Mama and Papa’s feet and we were quiet. I loved so many places on the estate—the waterfall, this summer house, the upper garden overlooking the lawn and archery butts. I inhaled deeply. The air in the Peak District was always invigorating. Thank the heavens for a clear day.
“What do you think of the captain?” Mama asked after a few moments of silence.
My shoulders stiffened and I silently cursed myself for the reaction. Fortunately my parents couldn’t see my face. Answering this question would require some evasive maneuvering. PapalovedCaptain Calder.
“He is well-mannered,” I replied cautiously. “I don’t know him well yet.”
“It seems like you have spent a decent amount of time with him,” Mama mentioned with a careful quality in her voice. “You must have an opinion of him. I’ve seen you take a disliking to any number of men within minutes.”
“It doesn’t matter what I think of the captain. What matters is what Hattie thinks.”
Papa placed a hand on my shoulder. “You know, it took me a while to realize what kind of man he was,” Papa said. “He was always on time and worked hard from the beginning, but many of my soldiers were the same. He would later prove himself a calm and intelligent leader on the battlefield, and I know I’ve told you enough about those stories. But what first got my attention was how he treated the wounded and ill in Walcheren. That story doesn’t have the happiest of endings, so I don’t think I’ve spoken of it."
Was there really a story Papa hadn’t told me yet? How many stories of Captain Calder did he have?
