“You taught me these things, Fitzwilliam. You just never listened to your own lessons,” she giggled.
“Today, you are the teacher and I, the student.” He pulled her tohim and kissed her forehead, holding her next to him for a long time.
Darcy threw himself into London’s society, trying to forget Elizabeth Bennet and Hertfordshire. He became a regular at his gentleman’s club; he escorted Georgiana to concerts and the theatre; he dined with old acquaintances and made new ones. Yet, try as he may, it was too soon to forget Elizabeth. Darcy knew he could truly love none but her. She could not be replaced in his mind as the woman he was meant to love; he could not believe himself to see her equal. Unconsciously, he allowed himself such thoughts: he would remain constant to Elizabeth; he meant to forget her and believed it to be possible; he imagined himself to have no preferences; but, in reality, he was only angry—angry at her and angry at himself. Her character became fixed in his mind as perfection itself; at Hertfordshire he learnt to do her justice, and at Hunsford he began to understand himself.
In his attempts, attempts of angry pride, to attach himself to another, he felt it to be impossible; he could not forget the perfect excellence of Elizabeth’s mind or the way she possessed him. From her he learned the steadiness of principle, and he had to admit to admiring her for standing up to him in favor of George Wickham. Although it hurt him to think she favored Wickham’s side of the story, Darcy finally recognized if he opened himself up to her before he did,Wickham would not have stood a chance of addressing Elizabeth. His desire to protect Bingley was not really protection at all or else he could not have abandoned those same objections to secure his own happiness. Darcy could not be happy without Elizabeth, and he could not see Charles with Jane Bennet and not think of what he lost. He told himself he wished to protect Charles, but now he realized he wished only to protect himself.
Eventually, Darcy realized if he yielded to what he thought to be his duty and married a woman indifferent to himself, all risk would be incurred and all duty violated. So, after a month of futileattempts, he and Georgiana prepared for an early return to Pemberley. Both felt the solitude of home would allow them time to refocus; Darcy would take care of his estate and wait for acceptance to come; Georgiana would continue her maturation; together they would safeguard each other’s love.
A few evenings before their departure, Edward returned to Kensington Place; he traveled to Bath and then to Brighton; the military buildup kept him busy preparing the troops. He and Darcy lingered in the dining room while Georgiana and Mrs. Annesley prepared to entertain them in the music room.
“Am I to understand you have been in Kent again, Edward?” Darcy asked pouring them both a brandy.
“Indeed,” his cousin began. “I expect to be away for several months; I wished to bid Anne a farewell; of course, that is difficult when our aunt is in attendance, but she does leave us to our owndiversionsoccasionally.”
Darcy smiled and nodded his approval.“I am happy my absence from Kent benefits you, Cousin.”
“When you marry, Lady Catherine will lose control of Anne; she will not be pleased,” Edward lamented.
“What will not please her, Edward,” Darcy stated,“is not losing Anne but the loss of Rosings Park. She will become Dowager de Bourgh. Surely, you thought of that.”
“My interest in Anne is not Rosings,” he sounded a bit offended.
Darcy warranted, “You told me once you needed to marry for money, but you wanted love also; I assumed you found both in Anne.”
Edward accepted Darcy’s insights as a means to settle what tension lay between them. “I do bring news from Kent, but I dare not speak of someone of interest there,” Edward ventured.
Darcy fixed his countenance, hoping to not belie his interest in the subject. “Edward, you may speak Elizabeth Bennet’s name; I cannot avoid her forever; my best friend has an estate in Hertfordshire; her best friend is married to Lady Catherine’s cleric; I mustharden myself to her memory and my former feelings.”
Edward still hesitated about telling Darcy what he knew.“Anne shared some news of Miss Elizabeth. We were having our own amusement at Mr. Collins’s expense, I am afraid.” Darcy rolled his eyes at Collins’s name.“Did you know, Fitzwilliam, prior to marrying Charlotte Lucas, Mr. Collins proposed to Elizabeth? Evidently, that was the day after Mr. Bingley’s ball at Netherfield.” Just the mention of the ball brought exquisite memories to Darcy; holding Elizabeth’s hand and looking into her eyes were some of his fondest memories of her. “Miss Elizabeth’s mother demanded she save the family estate by marrying Collins; her father refused and supported his daughter’s not accepting. The estate is entailed to Collins, it seems.We wondered how Collins came to marry Charlotte Lucas—it is all so clear now. Can you imagine Elizabeth Bennet’s vitality in the hands of a superfluous ass such as Collins?”
He tried to play it off as nothing, but the thought of Collins kissing Elizabeth and taking husbandly privileges with her caused Darcy to redden with abhorrence; a shudder of disdain racked his body, and even a large shot of brandy did not deaden the distaste filling his judgment. Georgiana’s musical interlude was as superb as ever, but all Darcy could see were Elizabeth’s eyes and smile and then the horrifying image of Mr. Collins placing his arms around Elizabeth and preparing to kiss her.
The month they spent at Pemberley brought both Darcys some peace. Georgiana called on the tenants and helped the new rector administer to the villages surrounding the estate. Darcy rode out on Cerberus daily, usually with his steward, Mr. Howard.The siblings walked the paths surrounding the lake, read, and reenergized.They were to meet Bingley in London the first week of July; Bingley’s sisters and Mr. Hurst were to join them in London, and they all would return to Pemberley for several weeks.The Bingleys would then travel on to Mr. Hurst’s estate for the rest of the summer.
Walking arm-in-arm through the rose garden, Georgiana smiled up at her brother. “I know it is not practical, but I wish wecould remain here forever. I hate to be away from Pemberley.”
“Pemberley flows through our veins; it is the source of our life. I, like you, cannot imagine any place more beautiful,” he said.They walked on in silence.
Each evening, in the privacy of his chambers, Darcy replayed his time with Elizabeth; he pictured her at Pemberley so many times, but the knowledge of how his prideful behavior placed him in disfavor with the lady laced his reproofs. He assumed Elizabeth would accept his proposal; it never occurred to him she would notsettlefor security. Collins could give her a pleasant home and living, but she wanted more. He offered hermore money, but that was not what would earn Elizabeth’s love. Elizabeth could not love a man she could not respect; therefore, she did not love him. Brought up in opulence, he learned superiority at his father’s knee; had he not been warned repeatedly of those who would flatter him to become an intimate? When he remembered his time with Elizabeth, Darcy saw himself as proud and leaden. Elizabeth accused him of not only arrogance but of conceit and disdain for others.
He often wondered how he would feel if someone spoke to Georgiana as he spoke to Elizabeth. Even if he and Georgiana had no more than what Elizabeth had to offer, Darcy knew he would have called the dastard out, and a duel would have ensued. His place in the world had been unthreatened until there was Elizabeth; now he became more pensive and introspective—his life a quandary—he wanted to once more try to make Elizabeth a part of his life. He wanted to show her he changed, but first, Darcy would need what his sister said; he would have to find value in himself; he would alter how he spoke to people and how he thought of people and how he treated people. If he could do so withoutglory, but because it was the right action, then maybe he could someday present himself to Elizabeth Bennet again.
So, the transformation of Fitzwilliam Darcy began.Always undeniably attractive, he possessed an air of confidence and an aristocraticdemeanor; Darcy could command a room just by walking into it. Even still, he never knew himself until he encountered Elizabeth Bennet. He questioned so many things about his life now.Why had he, for example, never recognized Georgiana as an intelligent, benevolent young woman? His often-shy sister, he recently discovered, had a hidden strength, strength of character others saw as pride or naïveté. Georgiana Darcy possessed so much more than sweetness and beauty; she possessed a superior intellect, a loving heart, and an open mind.
Why had Darcy not recognized his own nature? He had Pemberley; he had respect; he had wealth, but Darcy did not have contentment. He knew he could find another woman with whom he could share tenderness and even moments of passion; but, much to his frustration, Darcy knew Elizabeth was his other half; with Elizabeth Bennet he could share his innermost self. She charged him to be a better person than he was; even without her by his side, Fitzwilliam Darcy would be attentive to her rebukes and live up to her accolades.
The deception to which he exposed Charles Bingley created an issue he needed to address immediately.When he saw Bingley again in London, he would observe his friend; if Charles still felt strongly for Jane Bennet, Darcy would move heaven and earth to bring them together. It would probably cost Darcy his friendship with Charles, but his comfort was secondary to Charles’s happiness.
Bingley came to stay at Kensington Place; he had the same easy manner, but something was missing. Darcy originally hoped Bingley and Georgiana would find each other, but although they got along well enough, no romantic attraction ever developed. Bingley’s heart, like Darcy’s, was lost to a country miss in Hertfordshire.
Somehow, Darcy must ascertain whether Jane Bennet found another suitor; if Elizabeth turned to George Wickham and the younger sisters to other officers, it would be possible for Miss Bennet to have found someone else in these last five months. Briefly, Darcy allowed himself to think of the possibility of GeorgeWickham’s embracing Elizabeth; the pain of it crushed his soul. He could possibly accept Elizabeth’s finding happiness with another because for him her happiness would be the utmost, but if that person was George Wickham, he did not think he could survive the injustice of it all. Then again, maybe his letter impacted her thoughts on Wickham. He could not allow himself to think of having a chance with Elizabeth; he must accept the inevitable. Putting those thoughts aside, Darcy returned to his first concern, the future of Charles Bingley and Jane Bennet.Without their reconciliation, Elizabeth would forever consider him to not be a “gentleman”; she would never find forgiveness.
He considered hiring someone to secure the information in Meryton, but he quickly realized how foolish that would be. If he needed information on the Bennet family, a reliable source could be found on his aunt’s estate; surely Mr. Collins could be manipulated into providing the necessary facts. Darcy would wait; if Bingley’s interest in Miss Bennet persisted, he would find a way to return his friend to Netherfield.
CHAPTER 11
“If she does not help him on . . .”
