“Elizabeth refused to say she would not marry me if I asked, but she also never said she would accept my proposal. How do I know she desires my affections? She could have been obstinate and disagreeable because of our aunt’s interference in her private affairs. I know the words Elizabeth said, but I still do not know the tone of those words.”
“Darcy, she could have simply promised Lady Catherine to never marry you, and her ordeal would have been over. Instead, Elizabeth withstood all our formidable aunt issued to her rather than to promise she would not marry you. Darcy, do you not see Elizabeth will accept you this time?”
“I am afraid to think as such; my heart cannot take such disappointment again.”
“Then do nothing, but are you not the one who told Bingley his fate would be the same whether he chose to wait or not? You should heed your own advice, Cousin.”
“I already told Lady Catherine I would not marry Anne even if Elizabeth refuses me.You need not push me toward Miss Elizabeth in order to earn your own love, Edward.”
“It is true I wish you to no longer be an embracement in Lady Catherine’s mind, but it is truer I wish you happiness, Cousin. Elizabeth will be yours if your temperament will take the chance.”
“I apologize, Edward; I should not have spoken so harshly; my emotions race about unchecked.You are right; I cannot give up my chance. If I am successful, I will send you word, and you may attend to our aunt’s vexations and plead for Anne’s hand before Lady Catherine realizes your title may be enough for Anne, but it will mean the dower’s house for her.”
“It would be a pleasing vindication for both of us, Darcy.”
They settled things; Darcy would return to Netherfield on Monday. His fate was in his own hands. As they parted that evening, there was genuine respect between the two gentlemen. Their lives had been intertwined since their youth, and if things went well in Hertfordshire, their lives would be changed but still bound to one another. As he left, Edward embraced his cousin and reminded Darcy,“Take the package of lace with you, Cousin. Miss Elizabeth will need it for her wedding attire.”
CHAPTER 16
“It jumps from admiration to love . . .”
When Bingley returned to Netherfield on Monday evening, he found Darcy’s livery on the carriage in front of the house. Upon entering, he discovered Darcy in the library. “Darcy, you came back; I am so pleased to see you.”
“I apologize for not sending ahead of my return; I hope I have not offended you by my presumption to be welcomed.”
“Of course, not,” Bingley crossed the room to shake hands with his friend.“You did read my letter, did you not?”
“I do not call four short lines a letter, Sir,” Darcy teased.
“That is the length of my legible content.”The levity between them helped to alleviate the apprehension Darcy felt since leaving London.
“Come, I want to hear what you said, what Miss Bennet did, and all the details of your upcoming nuptials,” Darcy led Bingley to a nearby chair.“You may even bore me with all Mrs. Bennet’snervesif you so choose.” Bingley laughed at the references to his future mother’s silliness, but his happiness allowed him to find no fault even with Mrs. Bennet. Darcy’s true interest lay only in his friend’s happiness and in any references to Elizabeth’s reaction to the proposal.
“Miss Elizabeth,” Bingley offered,“keeps her mother and sisters attending to other things so Jane and I may talk privately. Now you are here, you can help me entertain Mr. Bennet.We have agreed to go shooting later in the week; you are twice the sportsman as I; you could impress him, and maybe Mr. Bennet will not notice I amgenerally a terrible shot.” Darcy laughed, but undercurrents of shattered nerves hid in the layers.
“You will join me at Longbourn tomorrow, Darcy? Miss Elizabeth deserves someone other than her mother to which to speak, and you and she got along well at Pemberley. Would you mind spending some time with Miss Elizabeth? Jane and I want to make plans for Netherfield without her mother’s input and before the arrival of my sisters. What say you, Darcy? We can walk out together—Jane and I can talk over what we need to discuss, and you can talk to Miss Elizabeth and maybe her sisters.” Darcy would not mind seeing Elizabeth alone. That would be perfect for what he planned. That evening images of Lady Catherine and Anne standing along the road to Meryton disturbed his sleep, and a clear likeness of Elizabeth’s face could not be had.
After breakfast, Darcy and Bingley rode to Longbourn. As usual, tender words of his worth greeted Bingley; Darcy, on the other hand, received a cold welcome; yet, he did not care what Mrs. Bennet said or did; his eyes searched Elizabeth’s face, trying to see what she must be thinking about him after being so chastised by his aunt. Before Mrs. Bennet had time to tell Darcy of Lady Catherine’s calling upon the family, Bingley said, “It is a beautiful day. May we take a walk and enjoy the weather?”
“Oh, I am not in the habit of walking about, Mr. Bingley,” Mrs. Bennet fussed,“but the girls are quite good walkers.”
“I would prefer to stay here, Mama, and address my studies,” Mary intoned.
“Do be quiet, Mary,” Mrs. Bennet was quite rude. “No one cares whether you go or not.” She turned back to the others. “Girls, go find your outside things.”
Soon the five set off together; Bingley and Jane lagged behind, allowing the others to outstrip them. Little discourse occurred between the three; Kitty remained in awe of the “haughty Mr. Darcy.” Darcy and Elizabeth each formed a resolution to speak what had not been said before.
When they reached the path leading to Lucas Lodge, Kitty asked to be excused to visit Maria Lucas. Elizabeth agreed but warned her sister not to stay too long. After Kitty’s exit, they walked on in silence for a few moments. He tried to get the courage to approach her when she found her voice,“Mr. Darcy, I am a very selfish creature; and, for the sake of giving to my own feelings, care not how much I may be wounding yours.”
What was she saying? She did not care if she hurt his feelings? His aunt’s rebukes combined with his earlier insecurities showed her she wanted nothing of him.
“I can no longer help thanking you for your unexampled kindness to my poor sister.”
She was not talking about his aunt’s attack, but Elizabeth knew about his involvement in Lydia Bennet’s marriage. Now, as was customary, she would be obligated to marry him.
“Ever since I have known it, I have been most anxious to acknowledge to you how gratefully I feel it.Were it known to the rest of my family, I should not have merely my own gratitude to express.”
There it was—the dreaded word “gratitude.” I do not want her gratitude; I want her love.What can I say to her now? I never wanted her to know of my part in the wedding.Darcy stopped and turned toward Elizabeth. She stopped, too, and they faced each other for a few infinitely long seconds. Without planning to say so, her words of “gratitude” drove him forward.“I am sorry, exceedingly sorry, that you have ever been informed of what may, in a mistaken light, have given you uneasiness. I did not think Mrs. Gardiner was so little to be trusted.”
