Her eyes narrowed. "That sounds like the start of a speech I'm not going to like."
"I love you," I repeated. "And I know you're saying this because you're scared for me. I know that. But I can't do it."
"Can't do what?"
"Keep a door open."
She stared.
The delay stretched between us, long and ugly.
I put my feet on the floor. The boards were still cold, but I barely felt them now. "I've been doing that for too long. Staying ready to leave. Staying small. Keeping something back so it wouldn't hurt as much when it got taken anyway." My throat tightened. Damn it. I was not going to cry into an interstellar holo call before lunch. "It didn't save me, Chloe. It just made me lonely."
Her mouth opened, then closed.
"Kazan isn't James," I said. "He's sleeping in a freaking field because if the auditor shows up and decides we've been too intimate too fast, I could lose everything. He'd give me up if he thought it would keep me safe."
"That doesn't make it less terrifying."
"No. It really doesn't." I laughed once, and it sounded terrible. "But I'm tired of making choices based on terror. I came all this way to stop living like James still gets a vote."
Chloe's image flickered. For a second, her face broke into squares, and I thought the call would drop.
Then she came back.
"You're really in love with him," she said.
I looked toward the window.
Out past the glass, the rows of trees glowed faintly in the morning light, heavy with violet fruit tipped in gold. Somewhere out there, Kazan was working with his back to the house, keeping his distance because he thought that was the right thing to do.
The stupid, noble, infuriating right thing.
"Yeah," I said. "I think I am."
Chloe pressed her lips together.
I braced myself for another warning.
Instead, she nodded.
One sharp nod, like she'd decided something.
"Okay," she said.
"Okay?"
"Okay. Then fight." Her voice cracked a little. "Fight dirty if you have to. Win. Donotget on that ship back to Earth. Do not let James have you. And call me the second it's over, or I swear to God, Maisie, I will find a way to get up there and make this everyone else's problem."
That time I did laugh. It came out wet and shaky, but it was real.
"I believe you."
"You should. I'm extremely unstable when motivated by friendship."
"I know."
"And if giant farmer hurts you, I'm learning how to use a space gun."
