“How? How could it be real?” Unless I was part of the project. Is anything I remember the truth?
“If the wrong person finds out that you’re remembering things, they’ll kill you.” There’s an urgency in his expression. “I made a deal with them. They let you go before, thinking your mind was wiped of any useful information about the project. It wasn’t a coincidence that you ended up at the Center at the same time as me. It was orchestrated. All of it. I don’t want anything to happen to you, please keep any memories to yourself.”
“Who? Who are they, Hutton? You know, why don’t you just tell us.” Here we go with partial information and secrecy.
“I hope you never have to know.” He turns to leave but walks briskly back towards me. Leaning down he’s so close I feel his breath on my face. “I may have saved you, but the memory of you saved me, too.” Closing his eyes he grazes my forehead with his lips and I’m stunned. “If I knew what love felt like… it might be this.” He lightly takes my hand and puts it over his heart hammering in his chest. “I have a part to play. I have to appear the way they want me to be.” He releases my hand. “You need to stay scared of me. I told you weeks ago, not to trust anyone including me. I meant it. Don’t trust me.” My chest feels weighted. If the floor opened and swallowed me whole, I’d be less shocked. The Hutton from my dreams isn’t a figment of my imagination. Worse yet, I don’t really know him. Why can’t I trust him?
Matt no longer needs to go to New York or Camp Carroll. Our meeting with the other agent, and Hutton’s evidence accomplished more than he was hoping to. Four very contrite men greet me at breakfast in the hotel restaurant this morning. Blaine looks sick. I can’t stop the immediate thought that he may have drank last night. He’s been doing well; I can’t see him losing his progress when I just said I needed to think.
I get the omelet and orange juice I ordered and begin to tuck into it, before saying more to any of them.
Caleb bends his head and folds his hands to pray before eating and Blaine snorts at him in derision. “Say hi to the big fella for me.” Blaine takes a drink of his coffee, makes a face and adds more sugar. “Fucking grotesque coffee.”
“Language,” Caleb admonishes but with a smile.
“Yep. Fuck off.” Blaine goes back to picking at the breakfast skillet he ordered.
Matt’s been texting on his phone and is distracted. He looks exhausted and I’m sure I do, too. I tossed and turned for the couple of hours I attempted to sleep. My mind wouldn’t let me. Hutton is the only one of us that looks unbothered. He methodically eats his eggs like we’re not seated at this table with him.
“How’s the cat doing?” I ask Caleb. I’m least mad at him.
“God willing he’ll be scratching people and hissing at them for years to come.” I don’t mean to smile, but Caleb can be funny when he’s not climbing onto a religious soapbox. “He’s feral… not much of a house pet,” he adds looking at Hutton who gulps down his water without reaction.
“Just like his owner,” Blaine snickers.
Matt sets his phone down and turns his attention to me. “Can we talk? Calmly talk?”
“Sure. You start.” I’m not going to make this easy for them.
He sits up straighter and exhales slowly. “I received a message from Keir last night. I just heard it this morning, he says there is video of the person that attacked him and it’s a graduate student.”
Both Blaine and I exchange a look. It doesn’t make sense. We’ve known the other graduate students for years. “Who?” I lean in. “Who did he say it was?
“He didn’t. He wants to meet when we get back.” Matt shoves his plate with a carmel roll on it back. It looks untouched. “I’ve visited with him a couple of times while he was in the hospital, I think it would be best to steer clear of him until after I meet with him. Maybe I can tell him what you meant to one another?” He shakes his head and gives me a tender look. “This isn’t about you being unable to handle it. I’m not surehecan. He’s depressed and distant.”
I set my fork down and wipe my mouth with the cloth napkin. A piece of me is wanting to comply. To please Matt and smooth it all over. The other part of me, a stronger and more dominant part, wants to do this my way. Whatever way that is. Since I’m at a loss right now. “He’s grieving his mother, of course he’s sad.”
“Take a beat and think with a psychologist’s brain,” Blaine speaks up, “You could be a trigger and not in a good way. For him, the abuse just stopped, not months ago. The headway he made while at the Wellness Center, it’s lost. Let Matt hear him out, then we can figure out a way to approach this.” He makes sense even if I hate it. I want to make a beeline to Keir once we’re back. Waiting isn’t my favorite pastime.
“I’m willing to wait until after you meet with him, but it’s nonnegotiable that I’m seeing him after that.” I give him back a determined look.
“That’s not the deal…,” Matt starts to interject with his ‘I’m in charge’ voice.
“It sounds like you didn’t like my answer, and I’m not going to change it,” I say as steadily as I can. I hide my hands in my lap where they shake slightly. It’s not easy for me to assert myself.
Throwing down a couple hundred-dollar bills, Hutton gets up without a word and walks away. I’m so fried emotionally; it rolls right off me. Is this an act he’s carrying out or just an example of one of the many reasons why I shouldn’t trust him. Caleb looks torn. Does he follow him or stay here? He gives me a small smile but stays at the table. “I’ve had a few talks on the phone with him. He doesn’t want to live anymore. I think seeing Eden couldn’t hurt, maybe that connection you had will bring something back?” Caleb offers to us.
“He’s suicidal?” I ask terrified that he may want to hurt himself. Since finding out he’s awake, I feel like something is crawling under my skin I’m beyond anxious. I just want to see him.
“I don’t know. Just generally he wants to end it all.” Caleb looks at Blaine who is mouthing ‘shut up’ to him. “What?”
“There’s no filter on you is there?” Blaine says snidely. I want to sound off and tell Blaine that he has too much of a filter when it comes to important things. Instead, I kick him under the table. “Fuck, Ed… I get it… I get it.”
“One more thing…,” Matt says as he hands his credit card to the waiter. I guess he’s not going to let Hutton pay for breakfast. “Dean pulled me aside after I left Hutton’s room last night. I don’t want any of you to be alone with him anymore. They’re still wading through pieces of intel on the classified project and…” He lowers his voice further and makes sure no one is close enough to hear. “He was being groomed as a weapon. It’s not clear what he’s capable of or who he could hurt.” The last part is said directly to me. It makes my stomach turn. Not because I’m afraid of him anymore, quite the opposite. The duality doesn’t make sense. I keep my mouth closed, but Matt’s not going to tell me who to trust or not. Hutton isn’t going to either. That boy that read to me in a dark hospital room when I was a scared teenager, he’d never harm me. Ever.
34. LUKE/MATT
Horizon Wellness Center looks even drearier in the light of day with a drizzle of rain. I’ve been sitting in my rental SUV going through some emails. We’ve been back in Illinois less than twenty-four hours and I’m playing catch up. Celia’s emails have gone from mildly annoying to vaguely threatening in tone. Deciding to get it over with I call her. “We’re bypassing professional courtesy and heading directly towards a restraining order,” I crack at her when she answers.
