He held her gaze.Those deep blue eyes shone with unshed tears.“What happened when you were six?”
Her brow furrowed.
“You said the first panic attack happened when you were six.”He kept his voice steady.“What happened?”
She drew a shaky breath.Her fingers twisted together.Tighter.Her gaze unfocused.Distant.
“I was at the lake with my family.My brother, Jude—he’s a couple years younger than me—we were playing on the dock.”Her voice dropped to barely above a whisper.“He tripped and fell in, and I just froze.”
Outside, thunder rumbled.It rattled the windows.
“I can still see him.”The words came slowly.Painfully.“Just below the water, his hands reaching up toward me.And I didn’t move.Didn’t call for help.It was like I was paralyzed, like my body wasn’t my own.”Her voice cracked.
Noah couldn’t take it anymore.
He stood.He moved around the scarred coffee table and dodged the corner.He slid her bag to the side and knelt in front of her chair.Took her hand in his.
Ice cold.Despite the warmth of the room.
She blinked, coming back from wherever she’d gone.“Luckily an older cousin was nearby.He saw what happened and jumped in.If it had only been me…” Her breath hitched.
Noah reached up with his free hand.Brushed away a tear with his thumb.“But it wasn’t only you.And you were just a child, Meg.”
“That night I had my first nightmare.Jude under the water, drowning while I watched.In the dream, he died.I woke up screaming, in a full panic.”She gestured vaguely at her chest.“Eventually the memory started happening during the day too, bringing panic attacks.Then it wasn’t even the memory anymore—anytime I got overwhelmed, anytime I felt helpless, my body would just…shut down.”
Noah shifted.Sat beside her on the small couch, springs groaning, still holding her hand in both of his.“That sounds terrible.”
She stared at their interlaced fingers for a long moment.“My parents got me into therapy, and I really thought it was better.I went years without a major attack.But when I was in residency, we went on a family vacation and my dad?—”
Her voice broke.
“He had a heart attack right in front of me.I tried to help him.I did everything I knew, everything I’d been trained to do, but it was like I was back on that dock, watching someone I love needing me to save them and being powerless.Except this time, I wasn’t a kid.I was a trained physician, and I still couldn’t help.The panic attacks came back worse than before.”
Understanding clicked into place.“Which is why you planned on doing research after graduation.”
“But the funding fell through.”She gave a hollow laugh.“I worked at the ER for a while and that was…I hated it.And when this opportunity came up at the Grand Canyon, I thought I could handle it.Squirrel bites and dehydration, minor injuries.All the major medical crises would be mostly handled by the SAR team.Besides, here?—”
She stopped.
“There wasn’t anyone you loved who could be in danger,” Noah finished quietly.
She didn’t acknowledge his words.Just pressed on.“The panic attacks were better for a while.But this summer—they’re back and getting worse.People are dying and I can’t stop it.I can’t?—”
“Was it Nimue’s injury that triggered them again?”
Meg’s gaze dropped.“It was around then.But Lydia…” Her breath quickened.“In that cave, the dark closing in around us, her chest stopping under my hands.It seemed to amplify everything.Now every storm, every call, it’s like I’m waiting for…” She glanced up.Met his eyes.Then seemed to shift what she’d been about to say.
“For my next failure.My chest tightens, I can’t breathe, and I’m useless.I’ve tried everything—breathing exercises, medication—but here, it’s constant.I need a new start.Pennsylvania’s my out.No caves, no rescues, just research and control.”
The fragility in her voice broke something in him.
He wanted her to stay.Wanted it like he’d never wanted anything more.But he loved her—no doubt about that now—and if she wanted this, needed this, he couldn’t take it from her for his own selfish reasons.
He’d been so wrapped up in his own grief.So busy pushing her away to protect himself from more loss that he’d missed seeing her pain.Her needs.
That ended now.
“And you think Pennsylvania is the answer?”
