“Why am I different?” I asked low.
“Because you’re a special boy,” she smiled faintly, but it didn’t reach her eyes.
It never did.
“I don’t want to be special,” I muttered, averting my eyes. “I don’t want to make you sad.”
“What are you saying?” she scoffed. “You’re my little ray of hope.” She took my hand firmly, tugging me along without waiting for an answer.
As my stomach growled, I pressed my lips together. My mother stilled for a second, before she continued dragging me through the muddy, half-snowy paths between buildings. There weren’t many people outside, it was too cold. We hadn’t seen a mage for a week at least.
We finally reached the little shelter we had made our own. Before our arrival it had been dusty and empty, covered in spider webs and holes. Granted, it wasn’t much better now.
Once inside, she whispered my name and I turned instantly.
“I’m sorry, for being selfish,” she said low, her back turned towards me.
“Mom—“
“But I love you,” she interrupted. In a quick motion, she spun around and swung her arms around me as she fell to her knees. She squeezed me hard.
“Mom, this is too close, I can’t—“
“I love you so much,” she whispered, her voice on the verge of breaking. “Please, take it. You must live.”
I tried breaking free from her arms, but they were like a steel cage around my small ones. “Mom, don’t, I won’t be able to stop—“
“Then don’t,” she sobbed. “Just live.”
I froze.
The beast within me took advantage of my vulnerable state and clawed inside of me, taking in the scent of her magic—the wind, the air, the promise of sweetness. My throat felt dry and small, like the monster deep down would choke me if I didn’t feed it.
“I don’t want to,” I said through my teeth, tears threatening in the corner of my eyes. Her arms tightened around me.
“Do it for me, then,” she whispered, leaning back enough to lock eyes with me. Her cheeks were soaked with tears, and I felt her pulse jump when her gaze met mine.
My eyes were probably glowing again, like they always did when I couldn’t contain the demon inside of me.
“But—“
“I love you,” she repeated, again and again, like she was chanting it to me.
But if she really loved me, why did she make me do it? If this was love, why wouldn’t she stay and fight with me? If I was precious, if I was her hope, gods, why was she looking so defeated and lifeless whenever she beheld me?
“Please, don’t leave me,” I whispered as tears broke free.
Her hand found the back of my head, and she pushed me closer to her neck, the scent overwhelming all of my senses. My breath quickened, I tried to resist, but the instinct was so strong, the hunger, the need to devour.
“I love you,” she said along a breath. “I’ll always be by your side.”
“Don’t leave me all alone—“ I whispered, but my body moved on its own. My teeth burrowed into her neck, she didn’t make a sound. Her arms tightened around me, keeping me there.
If this was love, then I didn’t want it.
If this was love, then I didn’t need it.
I needed the magic, her magic, it was keeping me alive. Her love was all gone, empty words and whispers of regret.
