No words will come out of my mouth.
“That one was the worst, right?”
I look up at him and he’s smiling. I nod my head.
“So bad,” I’m able to squeak out, my voice so high I sound a little like a dog toy.
And just like that, the elevator dings. I’m not sure how Jay did it, but I survived the ride without a complete breakdown. It took exactly thirty-six seconds (I timed it on my phone). It might have been hard to have a complete breakdown in that time, but I wouldn’t put it past me.
Maybe I should offer to buy him coffee after this. Or ask him to father my children because, clearly, he gets me. Well, at least the acrophobic part of me. I’m not sure I’m daring enough to ask, though. One daring thing at a time.
The attendant pulls open the grate, and the doors to the elevator open. Unlike last time, when I made sure I was the first one off, I find that it’s not so easy to leave. This is it. I’m at the top of a tall building—the ninth tallest in the United State. Oh gosh.
With much trepidation, I take a step outside of the elevator, Jay right behind me. Once I do, I see that this floor is much smaller than the eighty-sixth. Like, we’re basically right here. All I have to do is walk over to those big windows and look down. That’s it.
Jay puts his hand on my back again to help guide me, but I’m rooted to the floor. I can’t take a step. My heart is pumping and I feel too hot and too cold at the same time. Like I’m freezing but I’m also sweating. I feel dizzy and my hands are clammy. But most of all, I feel drained. It’s like all of my energy was put into getting here, and now that I am, I don’t know if I can do any more. I don’t know if I can walk the five feet to the window from where I’m planted.
“Hey,” Jay says, moving to stand in front of me. “What’s going on?”
I don’t say anything. I don’t move. I’m stuck.
I can’t do this.
“What do you think will happen if you look over?” Jay asks, putting a hand on my arm so he can guide me out of the way of the elevator doors I was unknowingly blocking. I slowly move to the wall next to the lift and lean up against it, willing myself to not hyperventilate. Or hurl. Or both.
I take a couple of slow breaths in and out before I answer. “I’ll fall.”
“But there are windows,” he says.
“I didn’t say it was rational,” I snap.
“Right,” he says, putting a hand through his hair.
“I don’t think I can do this,” I say, feeling tears form in the corners of my eyes. Oh yes, perfect. Let’s add crybaby to my list. Just perfect.
Jay rubs the back of his neck with his hand. I can see him trying to come up with something to say—some words to convince me. But I know me and I won’t be convinced.
A tear escapes and travels down the length of my face and down my neck. Another follows. I really hate crying. But I’ve failed Elena. I broke a promise. And if I can’t do this one task—the easiest one on her list—how will I ever do the other ones? I might as well give up now.
“I’m going back down,” I say, forcing my eyes to the floor, hoping Jay hasn’t seen the tears. “It was nice meeting you,” I say to his calves. He really does have nice calves. All manly and muscular looking. I would love one more glance into his eyes, but I don’t dare.
I move slowly from the wall and over to the elevator we just got off. The doors open and people trickle out. I look to the attendant, and he takes a look at my tear-streaked face and gives me a sympathetic smile. With a hand, he ushers me into the lift. I’m guessing he’s seen this before.
I move to the corner of the space, once again gripping the railing. This time, though, I’m not as scared of the elevator. Maybe going down isn’t as unnerving as going up. Or maybe my shame is masking everything else.
Other people get on the elevator with me. Good thing it’s proper etiquette for people to turn around and face the door so they can’t see the tears that are flowing down my face rather rapidly now.
The doors start to shut but then suddenly open back up.
“Can I help you?” the attendant asks.
“I need to get on here,” Jay says, his voice intense. My eyes shoot up to catch an eye roll from the attendant, and then I see Jay worming his way into the nearly full-to-capacity elevator.
The attendant doesn’t look thrilled but doesn’t fight him either.
“What are you doing?” I ask as he joins me in the back corner.
“I’m going back down with you,” he says.
