Jesus Christ.
I lean my head against the tile wall, letting the water spray down on me, steam billowing around me.
I was trying to fix them to makemyselffeel better.
I did that with Trev. I did that with my family. I did that with Ayla. And that’s what fucked everything up.
25
AYLA
I love Carson so much.
And that makes me sad for him. He has so much emotion inside him that he doesn’t know what to do with. I ache with a need to help him. To take care of him. I’m stronger now than I was when we split up. I could do it.
If he’d let me.
In the days after Carson and I talk, I go to the gym and punch a bag with extra aggression. I work at Uncle Ernie’s and put on a face of serene cheer. I make a plan for going through the house to get it ready to sell. There are a few places where a little drywall repair is needed. A broken light switch needs to be fixed. The paint on a few doors is chipped.
I go sit in Kane’s room in the rocker. Yes, it’s sad. I’ll always love my baby. And I know that leaving this house and this space is going to be better for me.
I keep thinking about my family. Who all knew the truth about Carson and me? Yes, Nonna knew, and Rachel, and a few others, but did everyone?
Carson’s right. Everyone had to know. I couldn’t hide it forever.
Carson’s also right (damn him) about me having to get over thinking I’m a failure because my marriage ended. I did feel like that when it happened. I questioned my worth and who I am. But it’s been almost a year now and… I’m okay.
My heart is aching for Carson because I love him and I want him and I want us again. But this time, I’m mostly worried for him. Because I think all these months he’s been pretending to be okay, he wasn’t, really.
Rachel messages me Wednesday asking about what happened after we talked to Nonna.
Ayla
I’m mad at you
Rachel
Ohhhhh no I’m sorry whaaaat
Ayla
You know what you did
Rachel
I wanted to help pls talk to me
Ayla
I can’t right now.
Rachel
Come to the antique show with me on Saturday pleeeeaaase
I do love antiques. Damn. The last thing I need, though, is more stuff to move when I sell the house. The only reason I agree is because she’s my best friend and I do need to talk, although probably a session with Tessa would be better. Except I’d have to tell her I slept with Carson. But she’s never judgmental and I’vealways felt safe with her. I make an appointment with her as well but I can’t get in until next week.
Carson and I have been texting. He checked in on Monday, after our talk. He had home games Tuesday and Thursday, which I watched. I quit watching hockey when we split up, but after a couple of months, I couldn’t stop myself from turning on a game so I could see Carson.
