He doesn’t answer right away. “I think… I was afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“Afraid… I’d break down. That I’d embarrass myself.”
I close my eyes as a dark swirl of pain washes through me. “Oh.”
“I didn’t want to look weak. I had to stay in control. I thought it was important to stay strong and get on with life.”
“Yes.” I do remember that. “But that meant… I think… that you weren’t really dealing with your grief.”
“I think I dealt with it how I needed to.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
“Why do you sound like you don’t believe me?”
I lean my head back to look into his face. “Because… I’m afraid youthinkyou’re over it, but… you’re really not.”
We look at each other, a notch between his eyebrows.
Carson is a very private person. He likes to keep things light and fun. He doesn’t like to ask for help and he has a hard time opening up about deeper emotions. I know that about him.
“Tell me what you want to talk about, about Kane.”
Okay. I think. “His smile. I loved his big smile. He was such a happy baby.”
“He was.”
“And his baby laugh. God. There’s nothing better than a baby’s laugh.”
“Yeah.”
“I loved how he’d focus so intently on something we gave him, like a toy. He’d turn it over and over and study it. I could tell he was so smart.”
“Of course he was. He got that from you.”
I snort a small laugh. “I remember how he tried to talk. Those cute little coo sounds he made, then babbles.”
“Dadadada.”
“He did say that before he said, ‘Mamama’. And remember how he would stretch every time we woke him up, when he was swaddled? We’d unwrap him and his little arms would go up over his head and he’d scrunch up his face and it was so adorable.”
Carson is still smiling, but his eyes are shiny.
“I took him to the doctor once, not long before the accident, and the doctor asked him to say, “aah,” so he could see his teeth, and Kane said, “aah,” and opened so wide, and we laughed, and he laughed.”
Carson grins. “You know, when he was a newborn, I… was pretty terrified.”
“So was I.”
We smile tentatively at each other.
“What were you afraid of?” I ask.
