We both crack up.
“Nonna! I was serious.”
“I really don’t know the secret. I don’t think there is one. I just know that I have always tried to be grateful for everything I have. Some days, it’s little things, but there’s always something to be grateful for. And that makes you a helluva lot happier than being sad or mad about what you don’t have.”
“I love that.”
“It’s not all great, living so long.”
“Oh.”
“I hate being a burden to people.”
“You’re not!”
“I am. Again, realistic. I have arthritis, heart disease, and my memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be. My blood pressure is excellent, though.”
I chuckle.
“And when you get this old, you outlive a lot of people.”
“You outlived three of your children.”
“Yes.” Her lips droop. “That is true.”
“That must be hard.”
“My children all lived to a good age. Antonio was seventy, Renzo was seventy-one. But yes, it’s hard to lose a child.” She looks at me shrewdly. “You have experienced that yourself.”
Oh. “Yes. That’s true.” I glance at Carson. Finally, someone mentioned it.
“I don’t think you can compare grief.” Nonna cuts a piece of pancake. “Nobody’s grief is bigger or worse than someone else’s. But when you lose a young child… a baby… you also lose that “what might have been.” The life you never got to have with Kane. And that grief lasts forever.”
“That’s true.” Look at me talking about this without breaking into tears. I glance over at Carson again. He’s staring at his plate, frowning.
“Sometimes, people rush to get rid of grief because they think it’s holding onto loss. But the truth is, grief is hanging on tolove, and that’s why you’ll always have it.”
“Yes.” My throat tightens. “So much love. All the love I want to give, but can’t now.”
Carson still won’t look at me.
“That’s right,” Nonna says. She reaches over and pats my hand. “But love is bigger than grief. And you are stronger. Losing your son like that has changed you.”
I nod mutely.
“Maybe in ways you don’t see,” she adds. “You are resilient. I think wiser.”
“I don’t feel wise.” I make a face. “I feel like a nobody. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.”
“You’ll figure it out. You have so much love,dolcezza. Your love for family is immense. And wonderful. You do so much for everyone. Especially me. Your purpose in life doesn’t have to be huge to make a big difference.” She looks between Carson and me. “Are you two planning to have another child?”
Only she would ask that question.
“Uh…” My eyes widen a bit in panic. “We haven’t… We don’t know…”
“No?” She tilts her head. “That seems an important thing to talk about.”
I swallow. “Well, yes.”
