She’s silent and when I look over at her, her eyes are glossy, her mouth soft. “I guess… maybe that’s true. I didn’t want to move on.” Her voice is small. “Moving on made me feel guilty. Like I was forgetting him. Like he didn’t m-matter.”
“But youhaveto move on.”
“Iknowthat! I just said it’s not that easy! Maybe for you, it was. You just wanted to get back to playing hockey and get on with life.”
“That’s what you’re supposed to do. You don’t grieve forever.”
“You don’t?”
What does that mean? She’s looking at me like she’s confused. “No. You don’t.”
She slowly moves her head from side to side. “I can’t believe you’re saying that.”
“Why would you hang on to negativity like that?”
“It’s not hanging on to negativity. Didn’t you hear what Nonna said earlier? It’s hanging on tolove. That’s why it’s always there. I’ll always love K-Kane.” Her voice breaks and it feels like a stabbing in my gut. “And it will always hurt. Would I trade the love to avoid the pain?” She shakes her head. “No.”
A helpless feeling is creeping over me. I fucking hate it. “You think I didn’t love him.”
She gazes at me. “I didn’t say that.”
“But you think it.”
“No. I know you loved him. But…” She closes her eyes briefly. “I don’t understand how you don’tstilllove him.”
I’m trying to sort this all out in my head. To understand what she’s saying. “You can’t be miserable forever.”
“I’m notmiserable. But I’ll always have that empty ache, that place he used to be. It reminds me that he was real, that he existed. That I loved him. Like I said… I wouldn’t trade the love to avoid the pain. That’s the tradeoff for having loved him. I’llalwayshave that hole. That sadness.”
What she describes does sound vaguely… familiar. It sounds like that bruised, tender spot deep inside me I sometimes feel. Which I always ignore. And the emptiness that still throbs when I think of my dad.
The sense of helplessness grows, making me feel weak and anxious. I need to fix this. But I don’t know how. “I don’t want you to be sad forever.” I rub my hands together. “I just need to be able to fix this.”
Her chest rises and falls as she sits there looking at me. “I’m not sad, Carson. Not all the time. But sometimes, yes. I’ll always be sad about losing Kane.”
We sit in silence for a moment. This is a fuck of a lot to take in.
23
AYLA
“When you said last night that you didn’t want to talk about Kane because you were afraid you’d break down… and look weak…”
“Yeah…”
“And I said because of that, you weren’t really dealing with your grief.”
“And I said I was.” He pauses. “But you didn’t believe me.”
I duck my chin in agreement.
“That’s how I was when my dad died. I had to keep it together so I could look after my mom and my sisters. There was no time for wallowing in self-pity or grief. My sisters and my mom were heartbroken, and I hated it. So I had to be strong. Dependable. They didn’t need to see me breaking down in grief. I needed to show them how to be tough.”
“You were so young,” I whisper.
“Yeah. I had to grow up fast. I gave up a chance to play major junior hockey in Vancouver because I didn’t want to move so far away from home. Instead, I played in Kamloops so I could be closer and help out.”
My heart crawls up the back of my throat at his sacrifices for his family. And at the fact that nobody was there forhim. “Have you ever talked to someone about your dad?”
