24
CARSON
Ayla’s words are like a knife to my heart. Twisting, opening it up, blood spurting everywhere. I press a fist to my chest.
That was the day things came to a head between us.
Ever since, I’ve hated myself for saying that. When I saw the expression on her face that day—the betrayal in her eyes as she stared at me, the way the blood drained from her face, leaving her skin looking like pale wax, the way her hands shook—I hated myself. I wished I could take those words back. I’ve hated myself for saying that ever since.
Fuck.Fuck!
All the emotions that have been agitating inside me the last few days boil in my gut. I think I might puke. How I felt holding baby Marcus. How I felt when Ayla told me she felt like I’d betrayed her. When she said she felt like a failure because our marriage ended.
I hate myself. I love her more than anything, and I hurt her and betrayed her over and over again back then.
I lift Ayla off my lap and sit her beside me. Then I slide off the couch onto my knees on the floor in front of her. I bury my facein her lap, squeezing my eyes shut against the tears. “I’m sorry, Ayla. I’m so, so sorry.”
I wrap my arms around her legs and hold onto her. The pain in the back of my throat makes it hard to swallow and the sour ache in my gut feels like I’m about to vomit. Regret and shame and guilt are like shards of broken glass in my chest cavity, and the pressure building behind my eyes turns into burning tears. I squeeze my eyes shut but they leak out anyway and then a huge, shuddering sob overtakes me.
“All I wanted was to fix things for you. To make your life happy like it was before. But I fucked it up so horrendously. I fucked it all up.”
“It’s okay.” Her fingers thread into my hair in soothing caresses. She holds the back of my head and lets me try to get control of myself.
“Christ,” I gulp, fighting to discipline my emotions.
“It’s okay,” she says again. Her hands stroke my hair. “It’s okay, Carson.”
Her voice is soothing, her hands calming. She said it’s okay if I break down with her.
And it pours out of me, my body quaking against hers in painful, silent sobs. I’m reliving moments from our marriage and moments from the past few days. I hurt her. Betrayed her. And all because I was too afraid to let go of control. To let myself feel things. Just like when my dad died. She was right about that, too.
“I keep thinking about what Nonna said this morning,” I choke out. “About when you lose a young child you also lose the life you never got to have with him. But it’s not just losing a child. Losing my dad was like that, too. Every time I played well, I wished he was there to see it.” I pause, a sharp rock stuck in my esophagus. “He didn’t get to see me get drafted, or play myfirst game in the NHL. He didn’t get to meet you…” I swallow the gravel stuck in my windpipe. “And he didn’t get to meet Kane.”
“You looked like you’d been punched when Nonna said that,” Ayla whispers.
“I felt like it.” I cough. “It fuckingkillsme that he never knew you. That he never saw how happy you made me.”
“I wish I’d met him, too.”
Andfuck, I’m crying again, spine-shuddering sobs wracking my body until there’s no air left in my lungs, holding onto Ayla, my lifeline, my cornerstone… my salvation.
Can she forgive me? Can we go forward? Can I forgive myself? I don’t know and the questions terrify me. Was it wishful thinking that there’s still a chance for us? After being reminded of every reason I love her: her kindness and generosity, her love of family, her sweetness and caring for other people. Her huge, loving, soft heart. And yeah, her soft skin, everywhere. The way she responds. The way she wants me. After seeing all that again, knowing I still love her… is it enough?
Do I even deserve that?
I’m fucking terrified. My fingers tighten on Ayla. I can’t lift my head.
She pets my hair with gentle touches.
When I can talk again, I say, “That was a terrible thing to say.” My voice sounds like a rusty bike chain. “I hate it that I hurt you. That has haunted me every day of my life since then. I knew it was bad. I’m sorry I said that. I’m so sorry I hurt you.” I gulp air into my lungs. “I… I guess that proves you right,” I say roughly. “Everything just seemed to build up inside me and that came bursting out. I hated myself immediately. But that was… Things had been so hard between us and if that’s what ended things for us, I figured I deserved that.”
“Oh. Carson.”
“I was so frustrated. I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t in control of things. All I wanted was for you to be happy again. To go back to how things were before.”
“I know.” She chokes out the words. “I know.”
“But… we can’t go back.”
