How was it possible we’d gone almost five years without him, and in one day, Ben had worked his way into Katty’s mind and art? She was a friendly girl, but I’d never seen her so instantly comfortable with someone, let alone a man. It was like she knew who he was to her, who he was going to be, and I was happy about it.
I was.
But I was afraid too.
Things had just gotten smooth for us. I wasn’t constantly buried under grief anymore. I’d learned how to do this life without my dad as my support system, and I’d gotten into the swing of working and going to school. It was a delicate balance, but I managed. We were good.
Now things were going to change again. It was unavoidable. But when the scales tipped, I didn’t know which way they would go or where we would land.
Chapter Thirteen
Ben
Overstayingmywelcomehadnever been something I’d minded, and I was pretty sure I hadn’t yet. I wasn’t leaving until I was kicked out.
Katty had given a tour of every inch of her bedroom, showing me each of her toys and dolls while explaining where they’d come from and who’d given them to her. The kid could talk, and I loved it. I’d never met anyoneIcouldn’t strike up a conversation with, and seeing that facet in her was fascinating.
Finishing that exploration, I’d sat my happy ass down at the dinner table. Mazzy must have expected it since the pizza she’d made was more than enough for the three of us. Of course, there weren’t enough chairs, so she took the couch while Katty and I ate at their little table.
It was surreal, having dinner with my daughter I hadn’t known existed a few days ago. But it was right. More than right. The connection I’d felt the day before had only solidified.
After dinner, I helped Mazzy clean up then crammed myself on their small couch to watch a couple of Katty’s favorite shows. Well, “watch” was a stretch. Mostly, I listened to her explain the characters and everything she loved about them.
As soon as the credits of the second show rolled, Mazzy announced it was time to get ready for bed and climbed to her feet. Katty groaned as she slid off the couch and took her mom’s hand.
Mazzy put her other hand on top of our daughter’s head, twirling a curl around her finger. “We should say good night to Ben.”
Katty poked her bottom lip out. “What if he reads me a bedtime story? I bet he wants to.”
I lifted my eyes to Mazzy’s. “She’s right. I’d dig that a lot, if it’s okay with you.”
She rolled her lips over her teeth, her expression unreadable. Just as I was sure she was going to say no, she exhaled slowly and nodded. “Of course it’s okay.”
The band around my chest loosened, but it didn’t unravel. Not when the end was near. Not when, after the story, I’d be leaving, going back to my own empty house.
That had never been a problem for me. I spent plenty of time with family, friends, and my teammates, so having a few hours alone to unwind was always welcome. This was the first time my stomach was leaden with dread at the thought of going home alone.
While Katty took her bath, I talked myself down. Told myself I’d get used to it. This was all new. My instincts were to dive in headfirst, make up for all the time I had lost, stave off the grief over the years I’d missed barreling my way. When I walked away tonight, just like last night, I’d be thinking about it. What it would have been like to hold her on my chest like I’d done withmy nephew. The night feeds, diapers, first steps, first words…the right to be called Daddy.
It hurt, and it was going to for a while. Maybe forever. And there was no one to direct that pain toward. Roman, maybe, but I couldn’t really blame him. If anyone needed to take the blame, it was me. I should have been more responsible. I’d wanted to give Mazzy my number, but I’d let her go, telling myself the loss I’d felt when she’d walked away in the airport had been because of the good time we’d had and meant nothing more.
But it had.
“Ben?”
I jerked at the sound of Mazzy’s voice. She’d come out of the bathroom and was standing beside Katty’s door, her arms crossed, watching me. I wondered how long she’d been there…and if I’d looked as ripped apart as I felt.
“Is she ready?” I asked instead of all the other questions racing through my mind.
“She is.”
I followed her into Katty’s room, sitting on the chair she’d directed me to. Katty was in her bed, propped on a pile of fluffy pillows in unicorn pajamas, her hair wrapped up in a pink terrycloth turban.
“I like your hair thing,” I said.
She giggle-snorted. “It’s for my curls.”
I turned to Mazzy, perched on the end of the bed. “Do I need one of those?”
