I had to turn the screen off. It was too much. Too damn much. I didn’t know how to handle the raging mix of utter joy and immeasurable loss tumbling through my body.
“I’m sorry,” Mazzy murmured softly as I tried really hard not to crush her phone.
I sucked in a breath, then another, finally putting the phone down on the couch. “It’s a lot. Not your fault, I’m just trying to deal with this, and I don’t quite know how.”
She shot me a timid smile, barely a curl of her lips. “I think…you’re doing the best you can, Ben. You’re rolling with it. I understand if it’s too much. We can slow things down.”
“No, absolutely not.” I swiped at my wet eyes with the backs of my hands. “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to spend as much time with her as I can. I’m traveling this weekend for a match, but any time I’m in town, I’d like to see her.”
“I don’t have a problem with that.” She nibbled her bottom lip. “I don’t think I’m ready for you to take her by yourself yet, though. Eventually, yes, but not yet.”
I cocked my head, surprised. “I don’t need her by myself. I don’t thinkI’mready for that yet. Tonight was really great for me, though. If I can have more of this—wait, was it okay for you, having me here?”
“Yeah. I was nervous about what you’d think of our home, but once you got here, everything was easy. I’d braced for Kateryna to be uncomfortable, but it’s like she intrinsically knows your connection to her. So yes, it’s more than okay for you to keep spending time with her this way.”
“Thank you, Mazz. You have no idea what a relief that is to hear.” Iwasrelieved, but my mind snagged on what she’d said before the good stuff. “Why would you be nervous, though? This place is small, but it’s really nice. Plus, you have family right across the garage. Personally, I love you and Kat living here. I can rest easy, knowing you’re not on your own when I can’t be around.”
“Well…” she picked up her phone, flipping it between her hands, “I haven’t looked up your salary or anything, but you’rewell-off. I imagine where you live is at least ten times the size of my place, and here I am, raising your daughter in a garage.”
Oh no. This would not do. I hadn’t been in this long, but I had no doubts about the life Mazzy had built for her and Kat. Even though Aunt Barb scared the bejeezus out of me, it was clear as day Katty had a lot of love around her. Add in a cute little apartment, cool toys, and a kickass wardrobe, and I considered my kid to have it all. There wasnothingfor Mazzy to be self-conscious about.
“You’ve done an incredible job. As far as I can tell, she doesn’t want for anything. And yeah, I have money. I’vealwayshad money. What Ididn’thave was a mom who made me feel secure and loved. I didn’t have a warm home or a room filled with my favorite things. I had my brothers, and that was a lot, but I sure as hell didn’t have what you’ve given our girl. Don’t think for a second I’m judging you. Not even a little.”
A long breath fell from her parted lips. “Thank you for saying that. I really try the best I can with what I have.”
I slipped an envelope out of my pocket. “This probably isn’t the best timing, but I had an account set up for you. This is the debit card and information. I also reached out to HR about adding her to my health insurance. I don’t know if you want that, but I wanted to get the ball rolling in case.”
She accepted the envelope, twin lines etched between her brows as she turned it over in her hands. “Is there an exorbitant amount of money in here?”
“Uh…” I scratched my jaw. I’d been prepared to deposit a hell of a lot more, but Nate had talked me into keeping it at six figures—for now. “I’m not sure what the right answer is here. Some might call it exorbitant, but I have a lot of ground to cover. I can’t make up for the time I missed, but Icando this. Like you said, I have the money. You and Katty will never have to worry about that.”
Her eyes finally lifted to mine. “Thank you, Ben. We haven’t struggled. I want you to know that. Katty has all she needs.”
“I know,” I said gently. “You’ve done an incredible job. Now I’m asking you to let me support you both.”
She exhaled a long, soft breath. “I can do that. I think. Accepting help is hard, but at the same time, I never feel like I’m doing enough for her.”
I took her hand again, holding it firm in mine. “Obviously, I’m new to this dad thing, but I’ve been watching my brother and best friends raise their kids, and I have to tell you, I’m pretty sure that’s a thing all good parents feel.”
“Yeah?” Her eyes hit mine, hopeful and bright. “I don’t have any mom friends. All my friends from college are light-years away from settling down, much less having a kid, and I don’t have much time to make new friends…”
“First—I’m introducing you to Roman’s wife, Shira, and my best friend, Bea. They will mom friend you up hard. Second—I know I should have asked you this question years ago, so forgive me for being late—how old are you?”
The way she winced made my gut clench. This was going to be bad.
“Twenty-four,” she whispered.
Oh yeah. No.What?That was even worse than I thought.
“Wow, okay, twenty-four. Like a two and a four smushed together?” I shoved my free hand through the side of my hair. “I didn’t see that coming. I’m about to have an existential crisis.”
That made her laugh. “I’ll be twenty-five soon, if that makes you feel better.”
My eyes flared, and I threw my hand out to the side. “No, Mazzy Belle, it does not. You are young. Very,veryyoung. My brothers are going to give me such a hard time.”
She continued to be extremely tickled by my freak-out. “You’re only ten years older than me.”
“Ahhh!” I cried, covering my ears, but there was no unhearing this horror show. “That doesn’t sound any better. You were what—nineteen? Twenty?—when we met?”
