Eventually, she backs down. “I’ll be in touch, Mr. Weber. It was nice to meet you. Hopefully our next meeting will be a little more… productive.”
“Good day, Mrs. Kirkpatrick.” Kirin shuts the door in her face.
“Thanks for running interference,” I say. “Janelle Kirkpatrick is thelastperson I want to talk to today. Or ever.”
“I get it. That was the first time I’ve spoken with her, and I’ve already had my fill for life. She raised Baz?” Kirin shakes his head. “It’s almost enough to make me feel bad for the guy.”
“Kirin—”
“No, you’re right, Stevie. I crossed the line today. The comments about Baz, trying to get close to you… I’ve got no right. I fucked up today, I fucked up then, and no matter how hard I try to make things right, I just keep digging a hole.” He reaches for my hands, thumbs brushing over my skin. “I’m sorry. It’s just a word, but it’s the only one I can say. Over and over, for as long as you need to hear it.”
“I don’t need to hear it, Kirin. That’s not how forgiveness works. I need to feel it.” I squeeze his hands, offering a small smile. “And Idofeel it.”
It’s impossible not to—his deep regret is practically another person in the room.
“I know I screwed up—lost my chance at the best thing I ever…” He shakes his head, letting the rest of the thought fall away. “I know we can’t go back to the way things were. Honestly, I’m just grateful you want to be friends at all. I mean… assuming you still want to be friends. I… Do you?”
“Ido,” I say, the last of my anger fizzling out. “More than anything.”
“How is it that you’re able to forgive me so easily? How can you forgiveanyof us?”
“That’s the curse of the empath, I suppose.” I release his hands and head back to the table, picking up the notebooks to lock back in their cabinets. “No matter how badly my brain wants me to hold a grudge, to hold onto anger, my heart won’t let me. When I reach out for your energy, I can sense your intentions. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. None of you did.”
“But Ididhurt you. Badly. On multiple occasions.”
“Don’t get me wrong—I feel that pain,” I say. “I still feel it, even now. Hurt, betrayal, sadness… I just can’t turn it into long-term festering anger like some kind of emotional alchemist. My heart overrides it. That’s not to say I forget, or that I’m okay with what happened—I’m not. Forgiveness doesn’t mean accepting wrongful treatment or lies. It just means… well, it just means I forgive you.”
“Why do you call it a curse?” Kirin shakes his head, his brow furrowed. “The capacity for forgiveness… it’s a gift, Stevie. A rare one at that.”
“It leaves me vulnerable. I’m the queen of second chances, and I like that about myself—I believe everyone deserves another shot. But I also have to constantly guard against letting second chances become tenth chances, letting people take advantage of me. I have to constantly remind myself to confirm my first impressions. Like with Phaines, I didn’t reach out for his energy because I allowed my first impressions of him to solidify. In my mind, he was a wise old mentor who wanted nothing more than to help me. If I’d been a little more discerning, I might’ve seen through some of that.”
“I still think it’s a gift,” he says. “One with a few strings attached, maybe, but a gift nevertheless. I wish I could do that. Just let things go.”
Kirin sighs, and I can’t help but wonder if he’s thinking about his sister. His family.
“I’m hardwired to forgive people,” I say. “But not all people, for all hurts. So many of us just use the word ‘sorry’ like a spell—as if simply reciting it undoes all the damage. But like any spell, the word is no good if the intentions behind it aren’t true.”
“For what it’s worth—and for lack of a better word—I’m truly sorry, Stevie. And my intention is to make it up to you, whatever it takes. Not so you’ll give me another chance.” He looks up and meets my eyes, his smile soft and sad. “Just so you’ll stop hurting.”
“I know, Kirin.” I take his hands, swallowing the knot of emotion in my throat. Sadness and happiness, regret and hope, all of it tangled up in equal measure. With a tiny smile of my own, I whisper, “I just need a little time.”
His smile turns a little brighter. “You continue to surprise me, Queen of Leaves.”
We stand together like that for a few beats, looking into each other’s eyes, each lost in our own thoughts.
I finally release his hands to gather up my stuff and glance at my phone. “I’ll check in with Ani later about searching for the Wand first. Since he’s fire-blessed, I’m thinking the wand is the object he’ll have the strongest connection to.”
“Good call. You going to Divination class now?”
“Yep. Maybe today I’ll try to divine some good news for once.” I laugh, heading for the door. Just before I exit, I turn back to Kirin with one last smile. “And Kirin? Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Making this my sanctuary again.”
The smile on his face and the warmth of his energy is enough to carry me through the rest of the day.
That’s the thing about forgiveness. When you mean it—when you truly mean it—it fills you both with the best kind of gift there is:
