“Maybe not. But I never should’ve let myself believe we could be anything more than that—more than brothers.”
“You’reassumingwe can’t. You still haven’t convinced me.” I cross my arms over my chest. “Frankly, I think you’re being a big, scared, melodramatic jerk.”
“Stevie, I—”
“No. You’re acting out of fear, using your Arcana energy as an excuse, and I’m sorry, Kirin, but that’s absolute bullshit. And here’s another newsflash, in case it isn’t obvious enough: I still love you. That hasn’t gone away, no matter how much I’ve tried to force it.”
“You’re the Star,” he says softly. His lips curve into a gentle smile, but it holds as much anguish as his eyes. “You want to fix me, just like you want to fix Baz and Cass. Even Ani. It’s the same reason you know exactly what kind of tea to make, and why your body heals so quickly. You’re a healer. Fixing what’s broken or missing inside someone—that’s the essence of who you are.”
“Why?” I snap. “Because that’s what some dusty old book says the Star means? I’m destined to flit around patching up holes and giving people emotional Band-Aids and chicken soup?”
“No. Because the healing energy inherent in the Star Arcana amplifies your compassionate, giving nature. Your magick, your affinities, your Arcana gifts, and you—it’s all wrapped up together in one amazing, strong, beautiful package.”
“You don’t get it, Kirin. I don’t want tofixany of you—not like that. But I can’t help it if I understand implicitly what you need. That’s part of my gift, and I wouldn’t trade it away—no matter how hard or frustrating it is.”
“How is that frustrating? I’d kill for a chance to know what the people I care about need most.”
“Yeah? Try knowing exactly how to help someone you love, then watching them refuse your help or try to convince you they don’t need it in the first place. Watch them walk away from you with some ridiculous excuse about trying to protect you, all because they’re too afraid to face their own shit.”
Kirin glares at me, but there’s nothing he can say to that.
“And you know what else, Genius Boy?” I close the space between us again, my whole body buzzing with anger. “Super-special Arcana Star power or not, if there’s some part of me that can help my friends feel less alone? That can show you that you all deserve kindness and friendship? That can give you understanding and love? Then hell yes, I’m signing up for that.”
“You don’t understand!” Kirin grabs my shoulders, his eyes blazing. “Love, passion, worry, fear of loss—all of the feelings that come with relationships—it’s all too much for me. Especially where you’re concerned, Stevie. I can’t let you help me feel those things or show me what I deserve. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I can’t—”
“No, Kirin. That’s what you’re trying to tellyourself. And it’s a good story, too. I’m sure whatever happened to you—whatever it was that caused you to create that story in the first place—I’m sure it was rough. But however badly it sucked at the time, that moment has passed. What you’re left with now is just this story about how you can’t get too close to anyone because you’ll lose control. I know because I’ve done it. All the lies we tell ourselves? They’re just something our brains invent to try to protect us from all the things our hearts don’t want to believe. To protect us from experiencing the crushing pain that comes from being human, no magick required.”
In an instant, the fire leaves his eyes, and he lowers his hands and leans back against the rock again, his shoulders slumping. A wave of pain crests between us, his energy so strong and forceful he’s practically drowning in it.
My own anger fizzles out, my heart breaking for him.
“Kirin.” I reach for his hands again, softening my voice. “When you told me about the other Arcana, you mentioned everyone’s gifts right along with their challenges. Yet when it comes to your Tower energy, you’re so ashamed of the destructive aspects that you’ve completely neglected all your light. All the good things about you, about the Tower, about how you uniquely manifest that energy. You said it yourself—we all contain multitudes, just like the Tarot.”
This gets a small smile. “You’re turning my logic around on me. Not fair. Smart, but not fair.”
“The day I was arrested at Kettle Black, you were there. My life changed in a shocking, single moment. I thought it was over.”
“Itwasover. That part of your life is gone. Even if we defeat the Dark Arcana and restore the peace outside our boundaries, you will never get that life back.”
“No, but that wasn’t your fault. And when I look back on that moment now, two things come to mind. One, I wouldn’t change how it happened. Not now, knowing what I am and what I’m meant to do here. Knowing that I’m destined to be part of the Brotherhood that protects magick and our fellow witches and mages. If Doc or anyone else from the Academy had come to me under any other circumstances, I don’t think I would’ve enrolled. I would’ve stayed in my current life, totally stuck. No magick, no purpose, no sense of belonging. And worse—no Arcana mages driving me crazy at every turn.” I reach up with one hand and cup the side of his face, my thumb stroking his thin layer of stubble. “I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to know you like this, Kirin. To know any of you.”
“And two?” he asks. “What’s number two?”
“I’m so glad you were there when it happened. Not just because you took care of Jessa, but because you were my rock. The Tower—it’s not just about what crumbles. It’s about what’s left standing when the dust settles. What’s worth saving and fighting for. The thing you hold on to when everything else is utterly lost.” I bring my other hand to his face, our bodies so close I can feel the warmth of his skin radiating through his shirt, straight into my chest. Into my heart. “Kirin, you say that I’m the light you’ll follow home. Well, you were my light, too. Not just that day at the café, but my first day on campus. My first day in the library, working with Mom’s prophecies. You’restillmy light.”
His eyes glaze with new emotion. “Stevie…”
“I’m not afraid of you, Kirin Weber. You could bring these spires down around us, and I still wouldn’t be afraid. So please stop being afraid of yourself.”
I stand up on my tiptoes and press a long, lingering kiss to his cheek, then rest my head against his chest. His hands slide around my back, holding me close, and we stay like that for the span of a hundred heartbeats, a thousand, a million, cocooned in mist and silence and the bonds of friendship between two souls trying to find their way back to something more.
But then, just behind our rock, a shadow takes form in the mist, the tattered blue fabric of her dress fluttering in a soft breeze, the glint of a metal sword shining through the fog.
“Kirin,” I whisper. “We’ve got company.”
“Is the owl back?”
“It’s the Princess of Swords.” I pluck the glasses from his shirt collar and slide them back on his face. “And we need to follow her.”
