“So was Ani. You should’ve seen the look on his face when you planted one on him.”
I can’t help but smile. There’s no way around this—I do have feelings for Ani. They snuck up on me, and truth be told, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that kiss in Kirin’s office, either.
“Okay, okay,” I finally admit. “It’s possible I might have something… feelings… for Ani.”
“Hmm. Is it possible you have ‘something feelings’ for all of us?”
I bite back another smile and lower my eyes, heat rising in my cheeks. “More than possible, yes.”
Kirin doesn’t say anything right away, and for a minute I worry I’ve pushed it too far. Yes, he knows I have a relationship with Baz—we’ve been together since before Kirin and I worked things out. But maybe hearing that I’m into Ani, and possibly Doc too… Maybe that’s just a little bit more than he’s prepared for right now.
“Please say something,” I whisper, finally glancing up at him.
But instead of the confusion or jealousy I expect, I find only amusement. Light. Love.
“I’ve been wondering when you might get around to admitting it,” he says, brushing a curl behind my ear.
I lift a shoulder. “Maybe I was still figuring out how to admit it to myself.”
“I’m glad you did. But just do me one favor.” Kirin brushes his lips across mine in a whisper-soft kiss. “Put the Gingersnap out of his misery and tell him how you feel?”
“Kirin, I…” I blink up at him, fresh emotions roiling through me. Hope. Fear. Excitement. Love. All of it. Things have been so intense between Kirin and me the last couple of days… I really wasn’t prepared for this to come up right now. “Are you serious?”
“As far as I’m concerned, the sooner we’re all on the same page about this, the sooner we can stop tiptoeing around it and just… just move forward.”
“And you’re… okay with that?” I ask tentatively. “Moving forward with a woman who loves more than one man?”
“Is that whatyouwant?”
“It’s… complicated. The situation with Baz is a little unstable right now. I don’t know how Ani and Doc feel about me—not totally. And I have no idea whether they’d even want a relationship with me at all, let alone a relationship like this.”
“That isn’t what I asked you, Stevie.”
A long sigh escapes my lips. Kirin’s right. He’s asking me what I want. How I feel. And as much as I’ve been living with the swirl of crazy, complicated emotions about my Arcana brothers, I’ve never quite put it all into words.
I’ve never claimed my desire.
“Yes, Kirin,” I say now, a rush of rightness and empowerment washing over me. “Idowant it. What I feel for you, for them… it goes far deeper than anything I’ve ever felt before. Beyond the Arcana bond, beyond friendship, beyond all of it. And that’s what I want—the beyond. A life with you guys that goes beyond our Arcana obligations, beyond the Academy walls, beyond the battles we’ve yet to face. Dreaming about what comes next gives me more hope than I can even put into words.” I look up into his eyes again, tears glazing mine. “And if any of you feel even afractionof that… I think we owe it to ourselves to see what’s possible.”
Kirin traces his thumb across my cheek, his smile soft and warm. “Anything is possible, Stevie. You should know that by now, Queen of Leaves.”
“Maybe. But love isn’t tea magick, Kirin. It’s not a spell I can cast or something I can master by reading a few lore books. Everything I’m feeling… it’s just that.Myfeelings. You have a right to yours as well, even if you think I’m totally selfish and crazy. Even if you’re jealous or worried or you just don’t see yourself in this kind of relationship. You need to be completely honest with yourself about that, even if it means walking away from this. From us.”
Kirin’s smile fades, the look in his eyes turning contemplative. I hold my breath, trying not to hope, trying not to fear, trying not to do anything but keep an open mind and heart about whatever he decides.
But it’s so hard. And I realize it’s not fair, but all I really want him to do is scoop me up in his arms, tell me he’ll love me no matter what, and kiss me senseless.
“Okay, listen,” he finally says, and I let out my breath, hoping he can’t feel the tremble in my limbs. “Maybe Iwasjealous of Baz. Seeing you with him, the connection you guys had, the… the intimacy. It was hard, and it sucked, but looking back, I don’t think it was actually jealousy. I was pissed at myself for pushing you away. For hurting you. Then we got through that, and I started to see you had real feelings for him. For Ani and Doc as well—something hasalwaysbeen simmering there, even if it wasn’t as obvious as you and Baz. And at first, okay—maybe I never thought I’d be good with something like this. But now…”
He slides his hands into my hair, tipping my face up toward his.
“We’re a family, Stevie. All of us. In ways we didn’t even realize until you came into our lives. I can’t speak for everyone, but for me? After everything we’ve been through together, something about this just feels right.”
A smile breaks across my face, and all the hope and excitement I tried to hold back instantly floods my heart. “Are you sure?”
Kirin laughs. “I love you, my Queen of Leaves. Every complicated, amazing, multi-faceted thing about you. The fact that your heart is big enough for more than one man? It’s just another piece of your puzzle, another part of what makes you so special to me. So yes, I’m okay with it.Morethan okay with it.”
He lowers his mouth to mine, claiming me with a deep, sensual kiss I feel all the way down to my toes.
