And I never want to let it go.
Thirty-Three
BAZ
The chill comes hard and fast, crashing through me like a New England winter. Despite the heat of Stevie’s skin, of her breath on my bare shoulder, I’m damn near shivering.
But the worst part isn’t the cold. It’s what follows.
The emptiness. The nothingness. It comes for me, just like the ghosts of my past in the dream realm, all my secret shames. The self-pity, the revulsion. The utter blackness.
It’s been happening ever since we got back from that fucked-up place, and each time it’s getting worse.
I can’t let her see me like this. Can’t let either of them see me like this.
Sitting up in bed, I look over my shoulder and see her hair spilled over the pillowcase, her dark mouth parted, her cheeks pink, Kirin’s big hand spanning her stomach, and I know I should feel something. It’s not like I don’t remember holding her, kissing her. Tasting her.
Telling myself that falling for this woman is crazy.
Knowing that I’ve already fallen for her anyway. Headfirst, no holds barred.
But looking at her now, I don’t feel any of that. There’s my brain, reminding me. And then there’s my heart, cold and empty.
All I want to do is get the fuck out of here, leave her and Kirin to whatever comes next.
Get out. Now. Leave. Unwanted. Unworthy. Dirty. Broken.
Somewhere in the dark recesses of my fucked-up head, something is screaming at me to stay. To wake up, stop being such a dick. To remember what I feel. But no matter how hard I strain to hear it, I can’t make sense of the words. Can’t obey the commands.
The walls are closing in.
I need air.
I need out.
“Baz? You okay?” Stevie’s eyes flutter open, her sweet face coming to life in the moonlight, her midnight smile cracking through the ice around my heart.
I reach for her, but another jolt of ice slams into my gut, a new voice hissing at the back of my skull.
I will come for you, boy. One night, I will come. And when you hear my clarion call, you willbegme to set you aflame…
There’s a druid, and a wand… fire… searing my flesh…
I shake my head, blink the images away. The bedroom comes back into view. Rumpled sheets. Another man in the bed. I’m pretty sure he’s my best friend, but I can’t remember his name.
There’s a tug inside, some nagging feeling that I’m forgetting something, or…
What am I even doing here?
Ah, yes. Leaving.That’swhat I’m forgetting.
Ignoring the woman’s confused and disappointed gaze, I climb out of the bed and sweep my shirt and pants from the floor. I’m dressed in thirty seconds flat. Can’t find my shoes, but fuck it, I don’t need them.
“I’m just gonna take off,” I announce. Not that it matters. I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks.
Only whathethinks.
The druid.
