But as much as I’d love to lose myself in those deliciously overwhelming sensations, it’s a different set of memories that wins out now, dark and malicious and ugly.
Judgment, torturing us with the Wand of Flame and Fury.
Judgment, devouring an innocent child, blood soaking his robes.
Judgment, incinerating the men I love, only to resurrect them and do it all over again.
Called to confess, called to atone. Beg for your flesh, your blood, and your bones…
Unworthy! Unworthy! Unworthy!
“We need to leave,” I warn. “Now. The others don’t even know we’re gone. We could end up trapped here for—” I gasp as a new realization slams into me. “Doc, we’re in the dream realm! We can find Ani!”
I move to get to my feet, but Doc stops me, his grip on my arm unyielding.
“You said it yourself, Stevie. We can’t linger. We must find our way back—the sooner the better.”
“Without eventrying? Are you serious right now?” I stare at him, incredulous. We’ve been desperate to reach Ani all night, and nothing has worked. No spells, no potions, no prayers. Now we’re in the same damn realm, and Doc’s ready to throw in the towel?
“If Ani’s after the Wand,” he says, his calm demeanor ebbing into fresh anger, “he’s nowhere near the river. And even if he were, the realm is constantly shifting, constantly reforming. We could no more pinpoint his location than that of a lone pebble beneath the Towers of Breath and Blade. In fact, we’d probably have better luck with the latter.”
I yank my arm out of his grip and stand up. “That’s no reason not to try.”
“No?” Doc jumps to his feet, stepping right back into my space, towering over me. “Then here’s another one. You coulddie. All indications are that a death in this realm results in a death in our own—I can’t risk that.”
“So you’re willing to risk Ani’s life, but not mine?”
“The best thing we can do for Ani is to find our own way home so we can be there, alive and healthy, when he comes back to us.”
“Nice deflection.” I cross my arms over my chest, the cold settling into my bones once again. “We can’t just leave him here—not when we’re so close. We have to at least try, even if it means risking our lives. We took an oath, Doc. And more than that, I… I love him.”
“As. Do. I.” His eyes burn with ire, and he reaches for me again, grabbing my shoulders. “Damn it, Stevie. I would risk my own life without hesitation. For any one of you, over no more than ashredof a chance. But I’llnotrisk yours. Searching for him here… It’s a fool’s errand. Deep down, youmustknow that.”
I glare at him, tears stinging my eyes even as the anger recedes from his.
“A fool’s errand is still an errand!” I say. “Forward momentum. Action.Somethingother than standing around sprinkling fairy dust and hoping against the odds he makes it back on his own.”
“Not action. A distraction. One that would give us the illusion of forward momentum while we chased our tails through this nightmare realm, abandoning the ones who need us most at a time when we’re all holding on by a gossamer thread.”
“But… I just… I can’t…” Words fail me, and my head drops low, tears spilling freely as the fire fades from my blood. He’s right, of course. He always is.
Doc slides his arms around me, and I lean into him, burying my face against his chest.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, stroking my back. “I hate everything about this, not the least of which is telling you no when you’ve got your mind set on something.”
“And I hate that you’re always right.”
“Well, notalways.” He pulls back, hooking a finger under my chin. Then, with a soft smile, “Ninety-nine percent of the time, perhaps. But not always.”
“Kirin says eighty-four percent of statistics are made up on the spot.”
“Not this one.” He dips his head, pressing a soft kiss to my mouth. “Onehundredpercent of the time, I will do what needs to be done to keep you safe. Even if it means you’ll hate me for it.”
It’s always been that way, I realize now. Not just for me, but with all the guys.
Each of us has our strengths, our charms, and our skills—magickal as well as mundane. But Doc is the one making the hard decisions. The one doing all the dirty work behind the scenes, saying all the things no one else has the balls to say, risking his very soul so the rest of us don’t have to.
His is a quiet and determined strength, fierce and unwavering, often unacknowledged.
