“In my version, I never left you, Doc. We were talking, and then you just… You got this glazed look in your eyes. Then your whole face twisted in pure agony. I sensed your pain, and I didn’t know what to do. That’s when the mark appeared. You fell to your knees, and you were basically catatonic.”
Now I’m the one trembling, the memories too fresh, too real.
That feeling of helplessness… Goddess, it was awful. I didn’t know how to help him. I could see the mark blazing on his chest, and I knew Judgment had gotten a hold of him. But the enemy himself was nowhere in sight. It took every ounce of willpower I possessed to calm myself enough to think clearly. To ask for the right kind of help without alerting the entire Dark Arcana army to our whereabouts.
“I focused all of my energy,” I explain. “I thought about all the air magick lessons Kirin ever gave me, all the things he said about connecting with my familiar, and I did it, Doc. I called on my owl.”
“I saw him!” he says excitedly. “He was there with me. It felt like… like he carried your scent on the breeze.”
“I still can’t believe he actually came to me. I can’t wait to tell Kirin about it. He’s going to freak out!”
Doc smiles, tucking an errant curl behind my ear.
“Anyway, the owl showed up, and when I told him what was happening—don’t ask how he understood me—he took off again. Moments later, he returned, the Princess of Cups following after him. She helped me bring you inside the cave, where the owl kept watch. I didn’t want to leave you, but at the same time, something told me Ihadto—that it was the only way to save us.”
“What about your Princess?”
“She led me deeper into the cave. She never speaks—not with words—but I knew she was taking me somewhere important. It felt like we were walking for days, but I never got tired or hungry. I had a single mission—follow her dark red cape. I kept it in my sights at all times, through darkness so all-encompassing I couldn’t see my own hands in front of my face. But I could see that cape.
“Eventually we reached a massive, dark pool so far underground I thought we must be in the literal belly of the earth. It was magickal, Doc. Like… like a giant bowl full of stars. We knelt at the water’s edge and put our hands in it, and the starlight or whatever it was… it just filled me up. The darkness and fear in my heart left me, and the light took its place. That’s the best way I can describe it.”
“Incredible,” he whispers, his eyes filling with wonder.
“In that moment, I just knew I was supposed to find that place. To be there with her, for whatever reason. A sense of deep peace washed over me, like nothing I’ve ever felt before. All my worries drained away. Suddenly I had complete faith that you were going to be okay, and that we’d make it back here. That Ani would come back to us in his own time. That Baz would heal. That Kirin would reconnect with his sister and forgive himself for the past. Thatallof us would forgive ourselves… Goddess, it just went on and on. Tears streamed down my face, and my whole body was shaking, but I couldn’t stop smiling.”
Fresh tears glaze my eyes as the same peaceful energy flows through me again, soft and warm and all-encompassing. The Princess flickers in my mind’s eye too, her red-gold hair fluttering, her silver crescent-moon circlet winking on her crown.
You are loved and you are love,she whispers now, just like she did at the pool.Never doubt it.
“When we stood up,” I continue, “the Princess was holding her Chalice. She drank from it, then presented it to me like a gift, just as she did the first time I ever saw her—in my vision in Trello’s office when you first brought me to the Academy. But this time, it wasn’t the old-fashioned gold cup she usually carries. It wastheChalice. I knew it the moment I touched it.”
“Were you concerned about drinking from it?” he asks.
“How could I be? I was in such a state of peace, of perfect love. I knew no harm would come to me. And I was right. As soon as the liquid touched my lips, I was back at the mouth of the cave with you and the owl. And once again, I just…knew. I knew what to say. I knew how to break Judgment’s hold on you.”
Doc’s eyes flicker with pain, and then warmth, shining with new emotion as he traces the line of my jaw. “You told me to come back to you. That it wasn’t real. I could smell you. I could feel your touch.”
“The mark on your chest faded. You finally opened your eyes, and you drew me close. You kissed me. That’s the last thing I remember before… well, before I woke up just now.”
“Goddess, what a marvel,” he says, his voice heavy with awe. “How is it that we had such different experiences? Such different visions? I swear I thought he was going to end us both, Stevie. There was so much blood…”
“I can’t pretend to understand the dream realm. Every time I visit, intentionally or not, it’s different. But my gut tells me it’s got something to do with love and forgiveness.”
“How do you mean?”
“Dark Judgment preys on our deepest regrets. He mines our memories, panning for guilt instead of gold. And when he finds it, he twists and amplifies it like a weapon. It’s the ultimate mental manipulation, and it works, because in all of his twisted machinations, there’s a kernel of truth. Like, logically I know that I’m not responsible for my parents’ deaths. But still, that kernel is there. The fact is, if I’d stayed with them on the trail, if I hadn’t argued with them and stomped off on my own, we would’ve been out of the canyons before the flood hit.”
“Stevie, you can’t—”
“Blame myself. I know. If we’d left on time, they could’ve just as easily died in a car crash on the drive home. The point is, the kernel is there. For Kirin, it’s his guilt over something that happened with his family a decade ago. Baz too. Ani blames himself for his parents’ divorce. And you…” I close my eyes, not wanting to root around in Doc’s past. He just told me about Elizabeth last night. And I still don’t know how his brother died, but obviously, there are plenty of ghosts haunting him. “The point is, the more guilt and shame we carry, the easier it is for Judgment to hurt us. I think that’s why Baz is so torn up right now. Whatever happened in his past was so terrible, he can’t see his way through it yet. So Judgment still has a hold on him. Whereas Kirin is starting to open himself up to reconnecting with his sister. I suspect that’s why he’s not having the same side effects as Baz—at least not as intensely.”
“And what about you, my Star?” he asks softly. “Have you forgiven yourself?”
“I… no. Not entirely. I’m not even sure if that’s totally possible. But I’m getting closer, Doc. Truly. And that’s the thing… Before we found that cave, when you ripped the dress?”
“I’m sorry but it needed to go.”
“Yes, it did. And you helped me get rid of it last night—that’s my point. You literally tore it off my body, but it was more than that. You helped me feel worthy. You helped me trust my own magick, my own light. It was a small step, but an important one. And for the rest of the dream, I never once encountered Judgment. I didn’t relive my past tragedies and guilt. I felt only love and peace, only a deep inner knowing. I don’t think Judgment can mess with that.”
