But as for the place I call home? The guys and I have permanently moved to the house at Red Sands Canyon—the place that’s felt more like home than any other since I left the trailer I once shared with Jessa. After everything we’ve been through together, there’s no way we’re splitting up now. My love for them is…Goddess, the words to describe the depths of my feelings don’t even exist. And their loyalty toward one another? Forget it—noone’s coming between those boys.
It’s the same for Carly and her hot-girl squad. She’s moved into the house next door with Nat and Isla. Emory and Blue—the other Claires—are slowly coming back into the fold too, and the girls are considering inviting them to move into the house.
It seems the horrors of war have changed a lot of people’s perspectives, softening some once-sharp edges.
Still, despite our deepening bonds, Ani has been harder to reach. He crashed after the battle, all the euphoria at our survival quickly evaporating in the wake of his own pain. He’s distant now, still reeling from everything Dark Judgment put him through.
Physically, he’s dealing with some latent effects from his dream-potion overdose—headaches, mostly, and difficulty concentrating. But it’s the emotional toll I’m more worried about now—all the guilt and shame over what the Black Sun did.
In the pale hours before dawn, that endless stretch they call the witching hour, I often find him in his bed, thrashing from some new nightmare. Each time it happens, I crawl beneath the blankets and hold him close, rubbing his back and singing softly until he falls back asleep.
The first few times, he was so embarrassed and uncomfortable in the mornings, I could literally feel his shame. Now I leave before the sun rises, sparing him the awkwardness of talking about it.
Outside of those dark, silent nights in his bed, me holding him while he trembles and heaves, we haven’t spent any time alone together. Haven’t held each other’s gaze for more than a brief smile as we pass each other in the hallway or take turns doing dishes after one of the girls’ epic gourmet feasts.
The darkness in his energy is nearly enough to drown out everything else. He doesn’t want to hurt me. Doesn’t want to see his own shame reflected in my eyes. He thinks it’s better to avoid me altogether than to face the rejection he’s so certain I’ll give him.
There’s a gulf a thousand miles wide between us, and I know he’s not going to be the one to cross it. If I want him back, it has to be me.
And so it comes to this day, exactly one month after the Battle for Arcana Academy, exactly one hour after our thirty-ninth funeral, that I finally extend an invitation. I don’t give him any advance notice. Just waltz into his bedroom and offer him a headlamp, a backpack full of camping gear, a travel mug full of his favorite Sex with a Caramel brew, and a soft smile.
“Please come,” I whisper.
Ani doesn’t say yes—he doesn’t say a word, actually—and in the aching silence that stretches between us, my heart falters. My brain races to try to find the right thing to say—the thing that will take away the obvious discomfort brewing in his eyes.
I hate that I’m causing him more pain.
I hate that I don’t know how to reach him.
I hate that he didn’t say yes.
Don’t worry about it. It was just an idea. The weather probably won’t be that great tonight anyway. Raincheck?
But before I can utter a single stupid word, he’s slinging the pack over his shoulder and reaching for my hand, the softest glimmer of that old smile peeking out like the sunrise scattering the fog.
Twenty-Nine
STEVIE
“I’m glad you came,” I say. “I felt like we haven’t hung out at all since…”
Since the world nearly ended.
Since the monsters almost took you away from me.
Since I last saw the light in your beautiful, melted-caramel eyes…
“I know.” Ani lets out a deep sigh. “I’m sorry. I just…”
His voice is thick with emotion, and after a few more failed attempts at finding the right words, he gives up, turning his attention back to the trail ahead.
We walk on in silence, taking our time as we plod up toward the top of the Cauldron of Flame and Fury.
The first time we made this hike, we were still in the friend zone, and over a picnic lunch of Chinese food, I begged Ani for advice about my dueling feelings for Kirin and Baz.
Not long after that, we got the email from Anna Trello about Danika Lewis’s televised execution.
Goddess, so much has changed since then.
