My fucking people, for all intents and purposes.
“So you’ve gone from dancing with the Devil to turning your nose up at it in a matter of…” I glanced at my wrist as if I were wearing a watch. “Ten hours? Might be a new flip-flop record for that not-so-shiny moral compass of yours, Haley.”
Her eyes blazed, and she opened her mouth like she was about to spit venom. Or fire. Or venomous fire, all of which I’d welcome.
Because in that moment?
Yeah, I wanted the fight. Needed it. Needed her to hurl those insults my way, sharp daggers I could catch right in the heart.
Anything—anythingto feel something other than this soul-sucking void chewing through me.
But my little sparrow wouldn’t give me that. She was too good for it. Yeah, she was pissed, but that was only because she was so damn worried.
I knew her well enough to know she wasn’t truly judging me. Wasn’t judging those poor souls lined up behind me with their mouths open for the next pill, their eyes rolled back, their bodies quaking, some of them so far gone they didn’t even realize they were sitting in their own waste.
“Why?” she whispered, her voice breaking. “Why do you do it?”
“Because sometimes there’s a hole inside that’s so fucking big, nothing can fill it. And sometimes there’s alotof holes—gaping fucking craters—and in case you haven’t figured it out yet, sparrow, that’s where I’m at. Gaping fucking craters.”
“And this?” she asked softly, plucking a pill from the pile in my hand and rolling it across her palm. “This can fill them?”
“No.” This time, she didn’t fight me when I tried to take it from her. Just let me have it, watched as I tossed it into my mouth. “All it does is make me high enough to numb the edges a little. But I’ll take being high and numb over the full-blown pain of my reality any day.”
“Even if that reality includes people who care about you? People who… people who love you?”
“People who love me? Please. EvenIcouldn’t conjure up a fantasythatgood.”
Hurt flooded her eyes, and I knew at once I’d said the wrong thing again.
Earlier tonight, Jax had told me I was poison to her, and that motherfucker was right. Every time I looked at her, every time I opened my mouth, all the wrong words fell out.
Because I wasn’t allowed to say the right ones.
I wasn’t trying to hurt her. But then, neither was a poison trying to kill its victim. That was just its nature.
Now, once again, I struggled to find the words to fix the mess I’d made, to explain how I didn’t mean half the dumb shit I said, to string something together that made a fuckinglickof sense amidst all the bullshit.
But Haley was already heading for the door, Jax following after her, two of the only three people I cared about leaving me to fall back into those dark craters alone.
So I did what I do best.
Popped another pill, sat down with the other dreamers, and waited to catch the next wave to fucking oblivion.
27
HALEY
Ihadn’t realized I was running until I felt Jax’s hands on my shoulders from behind, slowing me to a stop not far from the nameless tavern where we’d met up with Gem my first night here.
The sight of it—the reminder of what she’d done to us, the reminder of her smug face inside that awful facility—only fueled my anger. If not for her, would we have been back in New Orleans by now? Would I have gotten Keradoc’s blood and satisfied Melantha’s demands? Would my sisters be free from her ever-present threat?
Would Elian have already turned his back on the drug that had so thoroughly imprisoned him?
“Let me go.” I tried to shrug off Jax’s touch, but it was a weak effort, and we both knew it.
Gently, he turned me around to face him.
“Tell me what’s going on,” he said softly. “Let me see what’s behind those eyes.”
