With a put-upon huff, I take the seat across from him. As far away as I can possibly get without leaving the room.
Merrick sets down his mug and sighs. “Miss Bonnivarde, if?—”
“No.” I wrap my arms around myself, though it’s a shitty substitute for his touch. “Don’t you dare.”
“I’d really like to explain, and?—”
“We had a deal, and I expect you to honor it.” I glare at him, the anger inside me cresting, seeking something to sink its teeth into. Anything. “First names,Merrick. Come tomorrow, you can go back to your proper Miss Bonnivarde whatevers. But not until the sun rises.”
Now he’s the one with the flicker of a smile, which was not my intention at all.
Again.Damn it!
“Of course… Elizabeth. What I’m trying to say, ever so terribly, is that I’m sorry. So very sorry, and if it will help ease your anger, I will gladly prostrate myself before you.”
I roll my eyes. “And you claim you’re not one for melodrama.”
“I’m being earnest.”
“Your performance is Oscar-worthy.”
“I was wrong. It’s as simple as that. I was bloody wrong.”
“For what, exactly?”
“When I first arrived here, I had every intention of doing the job I was sent to do. No, you couldn’t grant me guardianship without informed consent, but I thought I had a plan for that. When the time came, I would figure out a way to convince you, as I said. But you surprised me, Elizabeth. Truly.” He sips his teaand smiles again, soft and shy, and it melts the ice around my heart a little bit more. “The more you practiced your magic, the more you made it your own, the more you truly seemed to want it… my duty began to feel like a betrayal. I buried that feeling. I told myself I had a job to do. That it was the only way to satisfy Matthias and return to my work in the archives—the only thing that truly mattered to me at the time.” He shakes his dark head. “I regret evenconsideringtrying to part you from your birthright.”
I rise from the table, the energy making me jittery—mine, his, all of it. I’m pacing. Merrick waits. I can’t meet his eyes.
“I’m not upset that you considered it,” I finally say, leaning against the countertop and forcing myself to stand still. “You don’t think I would’ve done the same? If I thought I didn’t have a choice, if I thought my sisters’ lives were at stake? If I thought misleading you was the only way to save my own ass? Hell yes, I would’ve thought about it. The difference is I wouldn’t have done it withoutyou. I would’ve been honest with you. If not from the start, then at least from the moment we started developing a real connection. Because I believed—Itrusted—we could’ve figured it out together. Youdidn’tbelieve that, Merrick. That’s what hurts the most.”
“Some things,” he says softly, “can not be figured out.”
“You didn’t give me a chance to try! And here’s the really fucked up thing. I would have given it to you. No convincing required. All you had to do was ask, and I would’ve transferred the Guardianship to you willingly.”
“Why on earth would you have done such a thing?”
“I would’ve trusted that you had a good reason. That you needed it more than I did. That’s the thing, Merrick. Ididtrust you.” I sniff to hold back the tears threatening to spill. “I… I still trust you, devil only knows why. But it’s the truth, and I don’t have any more room in my life for lies.”
The admission feels raw, putting me at a disadvantage. But I’m done pretending. With my sisters, with Merrick. With myself. Despite his mistakes, I know he’s wrestling with this. I feel his regret, thick and heavy and dark.
His longing, even now.
“I wanted to do this, you know,” I say. “The magic. The portal work, the spells, the energy stuff. All of it. I wanted to prove myself.”
“You don’t have to prove yourself to me. I’ve had faith in you from the very first, and that faith has… It’s evolved into something far deeper. Something I fear I’ve jeopardized beyond repair.” He lowers his gaze to his mug, cheeks darkening. A surge of his emotion hits me, too overwhelming and confusing to parse.
I close my eyes. Wait for my wild heart to slow. “Proving myself… it wasn’t just about you. God, my whole life, I’ve lived in the shadows. First, the shadow of being the weird kid without parents. Then it was the shadows of my older sisters. Rachel, alway so smart and put together, always ready to take charge and fix things. Kate—she was the sweet one. Artistic. Kind to a fault. Endlessly patient. Me? I was the mess. The screwup. The one you could only count on for one thing—that I couldn’t be counted on.” The tears slip free, hot on my cheeks, but I can’t stop them any more than I can stop my confessions. “Being a witch—agoodwitch—was my chance to do things differently. I worked my ass off for you, not to impress you—well, not entirely—but to show myself that I wasn’t such a grade-A fuckup. That I, Lizzy Bonnivarde, was actually capable of something other than just… existing.”
Merrick is on his feet now, standing before me at the counter, his eyes full of something I am too damned terrified to acknowledge.
He reaches for me. Tucks an errant lock of hair behind my ear and cradles my cheek. His touch is steady and warm, and I lean into it, the last of my anger dissolving.
In a deep whisper that caresses my lips, he says, “You are a light in an ever-darkening world. If there is anythingjustabout this, Elizabeth Bonnivarde, it’s that I’vejustgone and fallen in love with you.”
I gasp, my heartbeat skipping. “Merrick?—”
“I know my bumbling apology can’t possibly atone for what I’ve done, and maybe I’ve no right to ask this of you, but I will ask it anyway—that when you look back on the long stretch of days we spent together, you believe—youknow—that it was all real for me, Elizabeth. Not a con or a trick. And if you can find it in your heart to trust my words once more, I shall give them to you.”
