But I knew I'd rather pull my own eyeballs out than scare or disappoint her.
It wasdeadsilent as Jade considered my proposition, swiping her thumb over my index finger. I looked down at the contrast of our hands, my thoughts running away.
Just as I was about to experience a real bout of panic that this was the wrong suggestion, Jade lifted herself off the couch and pulled on my hand.
“I want to try.”
16
Still Safe
Jade
This. Was. Insane!
I momentarily wondered if I’d lost my damn mind—agreeing to something like this.
Taking slow steps back into the bedroom, I held onto Alex’s hand, and he followed me without question.
The last time we were in the bedroom like this was that first night—when he pulled my hair and called me a whore. When I bit him and spat in his face.
He stood in front of me the same way, but both of us were different people. And this wasokay. Iwas okay. I was free, no longer under anyone's control, no longer living in fear, and he was the perfect man to do this with.
I could live how I wanted.
"This doesn't have to be weird or awkward,” Alex assured me with his deep voice, his eyes mere inches away from mine. “Just do what you've done before, and I will simply be there for you.”
I sighed, thinking it would help me calm down, but instead, it did the opposite. Something came over me and I reached up,running my fingers on his cheek. Alex tried to hide it, but I saw it—I saw the way his eyes fluttered closed for a brief moment.
"Will you...help? If I ask for it?" Shivers, tremors,shakeswere rattling my insides at my own question.
“Of course, Malyshka. I’ll do anything you ask,” he murmured, all his attention on me.
It was time to jump off the cliff. I pointed to the bed behind me, trying to steady my trembling finger. “Can I lean on you?”
It would be easier if I didn’t face him. If I could just close my eyes and pretend that nothing in my past had happened. Pretend that whatever we were doing was always the way it was—under my control.
Alex nodded slowly. “You can do anything you want.”
I nodded too, and he stepped around me and climbed onto the bed, taking a seat right in the middle and against the headboard.
Jesus.There was a six-foot-five tattooed man inmybed. One who made me coffee in the mornings and took me on motorcycle rides.
I looked him over, doing my absolute best not to climb on top of him and smash my lips with his.
Because that would be too much. Too impulsive and too fast, and I knew I wasn’t ready.
But I’dthoughtthings. Many things. How his arms would wrap around me while he held me in his lap. How gentle and soft his lips would feel on my neck. What he would say.
“May I turn the lights off?” he asked, ripping me out of my dirty fantasy.
Yes, that was a great idea—it would all be easier without it. It would be safer in the dark.
I nodded and Alex reached for the lamp, plunging the room into darkness with a soft click. But I could still see him—the man in my bed.The manwho was about to whisper dirty things into my ear while I…
Touched.
Myself.
