What a devastating thing she said so casually.If only my teenage self had paid a little bit more attention to Faye, then I might've seen that she was hurting.I could've done something about it, although maybe I was giving my teenage self too much credit.If I had known how Faye felt back then...what would I have done?
"I was actually relieved when you and Agatha decided to move to the capital," Faye said, her voice dipping into a higher register that was clearly meant to hide the hurt underneath it.It only made it more painful."It meant I could let go and move on.It hurt and it was freeing at the same time."
It was odd to hear her put into words how I felt when I left the capital.
I took her hands in mine, my feelings jumbled and confused.I thought dating Faye would be easier because we had so much history but I'd failed to realise that also meant we had more baggage.
"How did you feel when we met again?Here, in the Cobblestones?"I asked, not sure why I was digging deeper into this.But I needed to know.I needed to know how she felt because I was done sticking my head in the sand.
Faye smiled but her eyes were troubled."I was conflicted.I could tell that you were hurt and I hated that you were going through that.I was never the biggest fan of Agatha but seeing how much she hurt you, I never loathed her more."
I nodded, not surprised to hear that was how she felt.
"And..."Faye paused and her voice changed, taking on a different inflection."I was grateful too.It felt like the universe was giving me another chance.I actually was glad that you and Agatha broke up and I’ve never loathed myself more either."
So the tone in her voice was shame, and the tremble in her hands was shame.
I let go of her hands and pulled her in a hug, realising that she needed it this time.My poor sweet Faye.
"Don't feel bad," I whispered in her ear, wishing I could hug the pain out of her."You didn't cause my break-up.You didn't manifest it into existence."
"It was still selfish of me to feel that way," she murmured.
"But it caused no harm."I kissed her temple, hoping to soothe her guilt."And it's not a bad thing to be a little selfish.It's okay to go after what you want."
Faye relaxed in my arms and it felt like some of the tension left her body."Be careful saying that.I've wanted you for a long time and now that I have you, I might not ever let go."
"That's okay."I tightened my arms around her, finding solace and reassurance in her embrace."I won't let go either.I won't hurt you again."
Maybe it was foolish to promise something that couldn't be promised but right here, in this moment, it really felt like it was possible.If we kept communicating like this, kept feeling this way, kept soothing each other like this, then maybe we could live a whole life without deeply hurting each other.
EIGHTEEN
Morning came too quickly,as it always did, but today it carried the scent of peaches, lychee, and...berries?
I rubbed my eyes while the sleepy haze lifted from my head and I could make sense of the morning.Faye was sleeping soundly in my bed, curled up against me as the tiny spoon.It had made sense for her to stay over after the heavy conversation we had and she looked adorable in my oversized comfy shirt.
It was nice to wake up with her in my arms but something felt not quite right and I couldn't put my finger on what.
I turned on my back, careful not to rouse my sleeping girlfriend, and my hand landed in something sticky and wet.
Oh-oh.
I lifted my hand slowly, frowning when there was a purplish liquid on my fingers.And seeds.
What...?
With much less care, I sat up so I could examine what was going on, only to hear a suspicious squelch from where I put my arm down.It took my sleepy brain a moment to register what was going on.
Blackberries.There were blackberries in my bed, almost all of them squashed and leaving purple splotches on my sheets that made the whole thing look like a crime scene.
"What the heck?"I muttered, wiping my hand on my shirt, only to realise there was blackberry pulp there too.
A grumble came from the cat bed."Some of us are trying tosleephere."
Of course.
Whenever something strange happened in my life, there was always a clear culprit.
