“I’m on my way. Thank you.” I hang up the phone and immediately throw off the covers. I quickly dress in some leggings and a hoodie, then brush my teeth before rushing downstairs and across the street. Even though I have told Ivan multiple times that I don’t need someone to watch out for me, he insists on not listening. I know he has someone sitting in a car across the street from my apartment. I run up to the car and knock on the window.
“Hi. I know Ivan has you sitting here watching my apartment. What’s your name?” I ask the driver as he rolls down the window.
“My name is Yuri, Ms. Murphy,” the man behind the wheel answers.
“Yuri, pleased to meet you. I need you to drive me to the hospice home, and I need you to get me there quickly.” I didn’t really give him an option to deny me as I opened the passenger door and plopped myself down in the seat. He looks at me in surprise.
“Now. Please,” I added as I pointed towards the road.
“Yes, ma’am,” he replies as the car starts and pulls out into the road in front of my apartment.
I have a tight grip on my phone, and my leg bounces up and down. I can’t stop the tears from forming as I pray to whomever is up there to please let me make it in time.
In what normally is a twenty minute drive, Yuri gets me there in ten. The car barely stops outside the hospice home before I open the door and run inside to Gran’s room.
“Is she still here? Did I make it in time?” I ask Kristin as I walk into Gran’s room, taking deep breaths and trying to calm my racing heart.
“She’s still here, Ms. Murphy,” Kristin says as she pats my arm reassuringly. “However, her time is short. Your gran’s heart rate is slowing down, and her breathing is becoming more erratic. We did our best to make her comfortable after you left last night and when we did a check of her vitals this morning, they were unsteady. That’s when I called you.”
“Thank you. Can she still hear me? Does she know I’m here?” I ask as the tears start flowing.
“She can hear you, but she may not react to your words. Sit with her. Talk to her. It may ease her mind as she transitions.”
“Okay,” I squeak out as I pull a chair towards the bed and sit down. Kristin steps out of the room to give us some privacy. Gran looks so small in her bed, the smallest I’ve ever seen her. I take her hand in mine and start talking.
“Hey, Gran. It’s Emma. I came to sit with you.” I try to sound cheerful even though my heart is breaking into a million pieces. She doesn’t respond to my words. More tears start to fall as I remember all the good times we had together and how we would have long chats over coffee or tea.
“The nurse tells me you’ll be gone soon. It would be selfish of me to ask you to stay. I’ll be all alone if you go, and I don’t want to be alone.” I’m not sure how I’m getting the words out or even if Gran can fully hear me.
“However, I know you’re ready. You’ve lived a good life. You’ve taught me a lot about love and living a good life. I’ll never forget those lessons.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to go. I’ll be okay here. You’ve taken care of me when I needed it, and I’ll be forever grateful. I know Papa and Grandad are waiting for you. I love you, Gran.” I lean over Gran to give her a gentle hug and kiss her cheek. Settling back down in the bedside chair, I continue to hold her hand.
A few minutes later, I feel my phone start vibrating. I turned the ringer off when I got here because I didn’t want to be disturbed. I’ve already let Boris know that I won’t be in today because I’m with Gran, so I’m not sure who would be calling me this early.
I look down at the caller ID and see that Ivan is calling. I send it straight to voicemail because I don’t really want to talk to anyone right now. I just want to sit here and be with Gran. My phone rings again, and I send it to voicemail for a second time. Then my phone pings with an incoming text message.
Ivan: Lyubimaya, why aren’t you answering your phone?
Are you okay?
Me: No
Ivan: Emma, what is going on?
Me: I’m at Gran’s hospice home.
Her heart is slowing down.
The nurse thinks she’ll pass today.
Ivan: I’m on my way.
I put my phone away and return my focus back to Gran. I don’t expect Ivan to show up because I know he’s busy, but at the same time it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if he did. He’s the kind of man who gets his way and doesn’t take kindly to those who argue with him.
For fifteen minutes I hold Gran’s hand and watch as her breathing slows down. Tingles start to prick my eyes as it becomes more difficult to hold back tears. I don’t want the last thing my gran hears to be my cries as she leaves. As much as my heart is already breaking, it breaks even more when I watch my gran take her last breath. It was so quiet, I almost didn’t catch it. She exhaled softly, and then there was stillness.
I can’t hold it in anymore, and I let the tears stream down my face. I guess my reaction was louder than I realized, because I hear the door to Gran’s room open and Kristin walks in. She checks Gran to see if she can find a pulse, and I look at her with hope that maybe Gran is still with me. Kristin slowly shakes her head, placing a gentle hand on my back.
