My mother tips her head, and for a second, I think she's going to argue with me. Tell me I have to confess everything to Ruth, and let her make the decision on how to proceed.
But she doesn't. Instead she looks at me pointedly and says, "That's probably for the best. Fear can make a person hold back. Even on things that could change their life for the better."
I can only stare back, because yet again, I’ve underestimated my mother’s ability to know everything, all the time.
“What happened to Kara was a one in a million thing, you know that right?” Her voice is soft, but the words still hit me like lightning, searing my skin and melting my flesh. Thinking about her hurts just as much now as it did back then.
“It still happened. And it could happen again.” My voice is ragged. Filled with an overwhelming amount of emotion.
Old and new.
Because in spite of my best efforts, I’ve accidentally put myself in the place I swore I’d never be. A place where I have something to lose. And my dumb ass couldn’t just stop at one thing. I had to go and find two.
"Do you think Titus would have chosen not to love Kara if he knew how it would end?" My mom barely gives me a second to breathe before asking a second question. One that levels me. "Wouldyouhave chosen not to love Kara if you knew how it would end?"
Kara’s death has shaped my entire adult existence. It dictated what I’ve allowed and what I didn't. And while Ihaveconsidered how my life would look if she hadn't died, I've never thought about how it might look if she’d never been a part of it at all.
Would I rather have never known her? The easy answer is yes. It would have saved me the pain I've chosen to carry. But it's not the right answer. Especially when I widen the lens I'm seeing it through.
Because at some point, I'm going to ask myself the same question about Ruth and Birdie. Them moving to Maryland will gut me, but I can't fathom never knowing them at all. Even if I could go back and change everything, I would still have her standing on my porch that morning.
And I still would rather have been the scrawny teenage boy who adored his brother’s girlfriend. The kid who was excited to be an uncle even before he graduated high school.
I shake my head. "I wouldn't undo any of it."
My mother smiles. "That's because love is worth having even when you know one day the things you love won't be where you are."
Her description of loss being nothing more than a simple change in location makes it a little easier to stomach. Especially when that’s exactly what I'm facing.
"You should talk to Tobias." I think my mother is changing the subject until she follows up with, "He's been talking to a nice man named Bert for a number of years now. He helped him work through some emotions that were too big for him to handle on his own."
"Toby is seeing a therapist?" It's surprising, but also not. My older brother really was able to jump in with both feet when Brooke came back. There was no fear. No hesitation. He knew exactly how he felt and how to support her best.
"So is Titus." My mother tips her head. "I wish he'd been ready to take that step a long time ago." She sighs. "But that's not something you can make someone do.” Her eyes fuse to my face. “They have to want it for themselves. Otherwise, it's pointless."
A year ago, I would've scoffed at my mother's suggestion for that very reason. The prospect of tackling my demons was so overwhelming I wouldn't have even considered it.
But now...
Now they're coming for me whether I like it or not. I might as well get some lessons on how to keep them in line. Plus, I have a feeling I might add a few more to the bunch when Ruth and Birdie move to Maryland.
As if she can read my mind—not as surprising as it wouldhave been fifteen minutes ago—my mother asks, "Are you sure Ruth really wants to move to Maryland?"
No, I’m not. But this move isn't really about what she wants. It's about what some asshole has essentially made her do. And as much as I want to beg her to stay here—stay with me—I won't be the next asshole telling her to do what he wants. That's not fair. All I can do is make it possible for her to come back if that's what she chooses to do. "Ruth has worked hard to make this move possible. She has to go."
My mother has a sad smile on her face as she says, "I understand that. Sometimes it's important—especially as women—to prove to ourselves we can stand on our own two feet."
I snort, because that sounds so bizarre coming from my mother. "I think you've got that covered."
"I haven’t always." Once again, my mother proceeds to shock the shit out of me. "When Titus and Trevor were little, I woke up one day and realized that if something happened to your dad, I was screwed. I was a stay-at-home mother with very little job experience. I had no credit history. No retirement account. I was putting all my trust in not only his continued love for me, but also his continued existence. I was terrified of what would happen if either of those things suddenly ended, so I decided to start a little catering business. That way I would have something to fall back on. I would be okay no matter what happened. Be able to take care of myself and my children if I ever needed to.” She meets my gaze. “After so much uncertainty in her life, Ruth probably needs that too.”
I’ve always known Ruth was leaving. That she had to go. But I didn’t comprehend the full reason why. I was so focused on all the ways I could help her, I overlooked a need we all carry.
The need to know we can take care of ourselves.
“And look how it worked out for you.” I tip my head at her bumbled breads. “You’re the queen of homemaking.”
She pokes at one pile. “That wasn’t the goal.” Her eyes lift to me, carrying a spark. “And sometimes, that’s how it works out. The plan we have is just what gets us started down the right path.”
