“I’m exactly where I should be,” he corrects. “I was with him all night.”
I wince. I don’t know what that insinuates. Was it because he was furious and losing his mind? Was it because there had to be a barrier between him and Ariana? Was Carter a wreck? Was she?
Declan grabs a breakfast sandwich from the plate and walks to the other side of the table, plopping down next to Wyatt. His hazel eyes skim over my face again, noting every injury and hint of agony.
“That might have been the dumbest thing you’ve ever done.”
Saltzy sighs, sipping his coffee.
I just grunt, because maybe. But it also wasn’t. I don’t know how to describe it. I’m empty at this point. I just mean that I know it was wrong, butshewas right. She’s always been right.
“I fought with him last night, too. I almost swung. If Arden hadn’t jumped in between us, we’d probably have matching friendship bruises.”
My eyes finally meet his. “What?”
He nods. “He was out of his fucking mind, man. But that shit that happened atIceboxwas not okay. You fucked up, but youdidn’t hurt her. You guys were having fun, hooking up, whatever the hell you were doing, and it probably sucked for him to hear but…there is no excuse. I lost it on him and he was still too angry to think clearly.”
“I deserved it,” I mutter, wrapping my hand around my mug.
“No,” he says, his tone stern. “You didn’t.”
Saltzy runs his hands over his face. “This team is at fucking war right now. We all need to calm the fuck down.”
Wyatt leans forward on his elbows. He’s been quiet all morning, watching me, studying me. “It wasn’t just for fun, was it?”
Everyone’s eyes snap to me.
I meet his inquisitive stare. “I don’t know. It was supposed to be, but…I don’t know.”
Declan’s eyes soften.
Yeah, there were feelings involved. That might make it worse, I don’t know. It started out purely selfish for both of us, lying to Forker so we didn’t have to stop what we were doing. But then we were having sleepovers, we were talking all night long, spending time together beyond getting off. It morphed into something else at some point, and I let her run only because I don’tknowwhat I want in life anymore, and I can’t convince her to want to stay with me if I don’t know what I can give her. There has been a lot of change in my life, in me, and I need a minute.
I think the answer is just that I want her. I want the certainty that every week, every day, and every hour will have her in it. And I think itcanbe that simple. If I want it to be.
I’ve just never wanted it to be before.
“Well, shit,” Lowesy whispers.
“This is on me, guys. Nobody treats him any differently.”
“I can’t promise that,” Saltzy says. Lowesy drags his gaze to Cap as he shakes his head. “That shit was beyond fucked up. I’mstill pissed off. I don’t want to see Fork until I have to. I need a few days without him anywhere near me.”
“He’s calmed down,” Lowesy offers.
“I don’t give a shit,” Saltzy snaps. “Until he’s apologizing, and until Boston’s face looks like a fucking face again, I don’t care how calm he is. He can fuck off.”
“He’s trying,” Lowesy says quietly. “To…stop being like this. He’s doing his anger management and his therapy. This was just…there was no pulling him out of that. He isn’t healthy enough yet. He knows he has a problem, man, but he’s beentrying.Boston did the only thing he could have done to set him off like that.”
Guilt presses down on my shoulders again.
Lowesy glances at me. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he was right, Boss. He wasn’t. None of what he did is excusable. I’m just saying that you knew what the outcome was going to be. We all did.”
I think about that conversation at his place. When he warned me.
“It’s his fucking mouth that I’m worried about,” Saltzy bites out, slamming his mug down on the table.
I swallow, my gaze staying locked on Lowesy. My confidant. One of the few people who knows every version of me and my history. He and Wyatt both avert their eyes to the table instead. They all heard every word, I guess. Great. My secrets are no longer my own.
