‘Talk to me, Kate,’ she says softly.
I rest my forehead on my knees and it all comes pouring out of me. Not that he’s dead, of course. But the kind of life we’ve been living under his roof.
‘He is certifiably insane. I swear. When he interviewed me to be Holly’s nanny, he offered me a two-week probationary period. After the two weeks, he told me that I could stay. “But I don’t want to see her,” he said. Foolishly, I thought he meant that the sight of her brought up memories of her mother. It didn’t take long for me to find out that he simply hated her. He hated the sight of her. He didn’t just hate her – he was horrible to her. Just horrible.’
It’s like the dam has broken. I can’t stop talking. I’m telling her one terrible story after another, and the whole time, she listens, frowning, nodding, encouraging.
‘He’s never let me buy her new clothes. Can you believe it? When I said she really needs new stuff, he’d ask, “What for? She already has everything she needs.” I would point out that they were old and scruffy, but he’d insist there was nothing wrong with them. I had to buy them in secret, make sure they were the same as she always wore – black, shapeless – and sneak them in and hide them at the back of her wardrobe.’
I keep going. How we’ve lived in suspended animation, waiting for the next tirade, the next punishment, the next bout of screaming, shouting, the throwing of insults like they’re confetti. The feeling of being cowered so much and so often that I noticed we were both starting to stoop.
She picks at bits of lint on the carpet. ‘That’s tough,’ she says, finally. ‘He’s never hit her, has he?’
‘Oh God no, no!’ I say. ‘I would have gone to the police if he had.’
‘Of course.’
But the way she says, ‘Of course,’ makes me want to say more, to justify myself.
‘Just the other day, the way he put his hand behind her neck…’ I tell her about the milk, the way he punched the bottle out of her hand, how he held her, his grip on the back of her neck so fierce I could see the white of his knuckles. ‘For the first time, I actually got scared, Teri. I really thought he might do something to her.’
‘Really?’
I nod.
‘Where is Holly, by the way?’
‘Drama club. They rehearse later on Thursdays.’ She finds a tissue in her pocket and hands it to me. I blow my nose. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m telling you all that.’
Except I do know. Part of me thinks I could use the help. Holly can’t help me get him out of the freezer. Can I really do it on my own? I don’t know.
Do I dare tell her the truth? Ask for help? I shudder.
‘So what’s the money for?’ she asks.
I rub my forehead. ‘Right. The money.’
20
‘My sister didn’t get hit by a car. That’s just the story I told Holly,’ I say.
‘So what happened to her?’
I rub my hands down my face. ‘She was murdered.’
‘Oh, Kate. No.’
‘And you know the worst part?’ I feel my face fall and I snort a laugh. ‘I could have stopped it.’ The back of my eyes sting; I press them with the heels of my hands. I hate talking about that part.
‘What happened?’ Teri asks.
‘Lily asked me… Lily told me she was scared and wanted to stay at my place. She wanted me to pick her up. I thought she was being dramatic because Lily was always being dramatic. That’s just who she was.’ I pause, remembering, and, despite myself, I smile. ‘She was the quintessential wild child.’
Teri nods. ‘My sister – Melody – she was pretty dramatic. But go on.’
‘Lily was in a relationship with a man called Rob, a guitarist in a band. She was happy, or so she said, but they had a pretty volatile relationship. So, one day she called asking me to pick her up. She wanted to stay at my place. She said Rob had been on a bender, and he was jealous about someone living in the samebuilding as them, that he was convinced she was having a secret affair, and she couldn’t handle it anymore. But Lily was always calling me late at night, asking to be picked up, usually because she was stranded outside some nightclub where she’d spent all her money, or because she and Rob had had a fight. I had my own plans that night. I don’t remember what, but I said no. I told her to call one of her friends.’
I’m going to be sick just talking about this, so I take a breath to calm myself.
