‘What kind of nanny drives an Audi around there?’ she says. ‘Maybe I need to relocate. Change jobs.’
‘Oh God, please. Will you?’
We laugh. Then she says, ‘How are you, Kate, really? And more importantly, when am I going to see you again? I’m starting to forget what you look like!’
‘Come over when Max is away the week after next. Take some time off.’
‘As if,’ she says with a sigh. ‘And how is my Holly girl?’
‘She’s really good. I just dropped her off at a friend’s party.’
‘Really? Good for her! I miss her. Tell her I miss her.’ A pause. ‘And Max? How is he?’
She doesn’t put a lot of affection into the question. She’s never understood why I married him. Not to mention, I had a boyfriend at the time, and I broke things off with him to be with Max. To say that Jen was shocked would be an understatement.
She told me once, after too many beers, that I should have married Eamon – that was the boyfriend – and that Max is a narcissist and I’ve fallen for some kind of gothic romance fantasy, that I think I’m Catherine fromWuthering Heightsplaying the part of the devoted nanny slash housekeeper who is going to drag her dark and brooding boss out of his dark and brooding moods. Like I pointed out to her at the time, that is not the plot ofWuthering Heights.
‘You’re thinking ofJane Eyre,’ I’d said, throwing a salted peanut into my mouth, and missing. Also, Max is an outgoing, sporty extrovert with a flop of straight brown hair. Dark and brooding he is not.
She’d waved a hand. ‘Whatever. My point is, that man is a cold fish. Cold as ice. And you’re screwing up your life because you are an incurable romantic. That’s all I’m saying.’
‘Right,’ I’d said. ‘As long as that’s all you’re saying…’
Jen was devastated when I told her we were moving away. We’d been best friends since school. We did the same degree at Middlesex University. We shared a flat in Platt Hall in our first year, then later moved into a flat together in Hendon. The plan was to get jobs at the same school, if possible, or at the very least in the same area, and share a house somewhere.
But then my little sister died, and everything went to shit.
Sometimes I wonder if I could tell Jen what was really going on – why I decided, on impulse, to marry Max. You’re right. He’s cold as ice. He’s awful. He’s evil. Why did I marry him? Because the day Holly turned sixteen, he told me that I was no longer needed.
‘Holly is too old for a live-in nanny,’ he’d said. ‘She can look after herself from now on.’ Which was true. The reason Holly had a live-in nanny in the first place was that Max went away on business all the time. Somebody had to keep an eye on her. Make sure she didn’t run away, I guess. That’s what I would have done in her shoes. Oh, and cook meals.
One night, a few months after I’d started working there, Max made a pass at me. I was cooking dinner. It was, frankly, gross. He stood behind me and put his arms around my waist and kissed the back of my neck. I dropped the pan. He laughed, left the kitchen and let me clean up. It was hard to be in the same room as him after that. I was twenty-two years old and reeling from my sister’s death. He was forty-three. I could have quit and gone to stay with Jen, and God knows I considered it, but I’d grown attached to Holly, not to mention protective.
So when Max told me that I was essentially fired, I didn’t know what to do. There would be no one to stand between himand Holly. No one to soothe him when he got into one of his rages. No one to protect Holly. And that terrified me. So, I did the only thing I could think of: I resolved to seduce him. I’ve never seduced anyone. He repulsed me. I had to break up with my nice boyfriend. But I figured that if Max liked me enough to let me stick around as his girlfriend, I could make sure Holly was safe until she was old enough to move out.
And if I had breathed a word of this to Jen, she would have stopped me. She still would, if she knew. She would absolutely drive over and rescue me. She would make things so much worse; it doesn’t bear thinking about.
A car honks down the road, bringing me back to the present. ‘He’s well,’ I say. ‘Busy. You know how it is.’ I start the car. ‘Maybe Holly and I could come over at Christmas,’ I say.
‘Oh yes, do that! Come over at Christmas. Roxanne is going to visit her family – you can have her room.’
I laugh. I would like nothing more than for Holly and me to spend Christmas with my best friend.
And fingers crossed, if everything goes to plan, we will be able to.
3
Back home, I get everything ready for dinner, then change into the copper sequin mini dress with a plunging neckline that Max bought me. A client of his had invited us to a cocktail party, and by then Max had figured out that if he left me to my own devices, I’d show up in jeans and a T-shirt. So he took matters into his own hands.
He’s bought all my clothes ever since.
I check my reflection in the bedroom mirror. Max will be home from tennis soon, and I really hope he won, because he won’t be happy with me when he hears I’ve told Holly that she could be out until ten.
I put my hair up just the way he likes it, and do my makeup just the way he likes it, and wear the gold earrings he bought me.
All part of the plan.
Wait. What’s the plan again? Ah yes. I’m cooking a romantic dinner for two. I’m actually a really bad cook, so I have planned a meal within my limitations: a pasta dish (fresh pasta – fancy) with a mushroom, pancetta and tomato sauce. Even I couldn’t screw this one up. I don’t think. I also bought a nice bottle of Chianti our local wine shop recommended.
