“What?” He’s back to looking confused.
“You said youhadfeelings for me,” I remind him, for some insane fucking reason instead of talking about ourdreams.
“Yeah.” He averts his eyes, looking right at the windows, and like a dog with a bone, I can’t let it fucking go.
“You don’t anymore?”
I hold my breath and wait for him to look at me again, my stupid heart beating erratically with a hope that won’t die.
5
Lex
“I do,” I admit with an urgency that doesn’t fit the moment, but I don’t want Eli to doubt... that. Not ever again. “I do,” I repeat and squeeze his hand harder, begging him to let me keep it at that.
Telling someone, anyone, even Eli, about my... situation... has me rattled, and loosened my tongue more than I’m comfortable with.
“Me too,” he whispers, calming at least part of my anxieties. Though his earnest look and the downturned angle of his brows tells me he understands, just like I do, that nothing is as simple as mutual affection.
“The only thing that’s keeping me together these days is the few texts I let myself send you and the fact that the fans still like me.” There I go, saying too much again.
“You could text more,” he says, and that’s a perfectly aimed arrow to my fucking heart.
“Eli. I wish it was that simple.”
“It could be,” he grumbles, once more hiding his face, looking down at his lap. But at least he doesn’t let go of my hand.
“The only reason I have a job is because of those fans, angel. If anyone finds out about how much I—” Yeah, I should keepthatquiet at least. “Aboutus, then I’d lose that too, and I’d never play again.”
“We’re not fucking brothers,” he spits out.
“I know that,” I hurry to agree, and sit up, twisting around so we’re face-to-face, so he can see how much I mean every word. “Vinny knows that, and I think our parents know that, especially Dad.” I can’t bite back the annoyance at the thought of Dad. He’s far too perceptive.
Eli’s soft snort means I finally earn that addictive wash of calm I get whenever he looks at me.
And we stay like that, smiling tentatively, as much as it’s possible in a moment like this, and that’s when I realize.
This isthemoment.
The type of moment Dad talks about when he goes too hard on the vodka and starts reminiscing about the good ol’ days.
Of course for me, the moment has absolutely nothing to do with hockey, because I’ve never been one to do things the easy way.
But this is the moment when I have to step up, when I have to take a leap, when I have to decide what’s worth risking and what isn’t.
It’s an easy choice—in theory.
But theories are all we’re living in now.
“I don’t think I can stay away anymore, Eli. Not when we’re finally at a point where it feels like we’re the same. Not when all I want is to kiss you for hours. Not now that I see the evidence of how much I’ve hurt you.”
Eli damn near unhinges his jaw, and stays frozen for long enough that I understand that I’m going to have to keep going. It’s my turn to be brave, fuck it all.
Maybe my words won’t make any sense, maybe I’m going to have to repeat half of it for it to make any sense at all, but I know that if I don’t do this now, I’m going to regret it forever.
“You were already the most important person in my life when I was sixteen, but then I learned what it’s like to live without you. I learned how much it hurts to hurt you, how hard it’s been to stay away, to keep my distance. Every time I get to be near you I remember what it felt like, and the pain of walking away has only gotten harder to stomach each time. I’m sorry, Eli.”
I reach up to cup his cheek with my free hand because there’s no way I’m letting go of his hand now.
