“I know you, Lex,” he says simply and shrugs. “I know you’re telling me the truth now, not like last time. I even kind of like the fact that you’re so against us hiding, but I’m also scared.”
Hearing that takes all the fight out of me.
I stay right where I’m standing even though my knees want to give out.
“What are you scared of?” I ask quietly, trying to move this conversation along.
“I’m scared that it’ll never happen. I’m scared that you’ll find someone who you can actually be with. I’m scared that you’re going to stay on this fucking team forever and?—”
“Hey, hey, no.”
My knees finally give out, but at least it’s on the spot so I’m still not right on him.
“Angel, I’ve never wanted to be with someone the way I want to be with you. I’ve kissed other guys, but it was always justblegh, and I’m pretty sure I’m demi anyway, because the one time I had sex with someone, all I could think about was you.” I clamp my mouth shut before I confess that Ihadto think about him in order to get hard. That would be too much I think.
He wrings his hands, twisting his fingers in odd angles the way he always does when he feels he needs to control himself. I want to take his hands more than I want my next breath, but everything I said is still true.
“I can waive my no-trade clause,” I blurt out after a second. “I can make sure that I’ll only waive it if they trade me to a team on the East Coast.” I have to wince at an intrusive thought. “Okay,someteams on the East Coast. There are one or two that I’d have an even worse time at considering the slurs they always throw at me whenever we play them.”
“Yeah, no!” he shouts, like he’s coming back to life, and straightens in his seat. His wide eyes keep me captive. “We can work on... on changing how they see us. Your fans, our family. I can be more active on social media, make sure I never say you’re my brother, or anything like that.”
“Do you really think that could work?” Skepticism and hope don’t mix well normally, but right now those are all I have.
“We can try.” He shrugs adorably, and that’s all I need.
“We should try.” I nod quickly. “We have to try, angel.”
During the game,my hope wins out.
There’s something about knowing Eli’s watching that always makes me play better. I know it’s not his actual presence but more the way I feel about his presence, and it’s pretty obvious.
I played well against New York when he was there on Monday, and today I played just as well. Even got another hat trick added to my record.
But the fact is, Buffalo is a way worse team than the Demons. Neither of them are exactly elite, but we’re more evenly matched with the Demons, so we get the win.
After the interviews, after the fastest shower known to man, I find Eli waiting for me in the very small visiting-team family room.
I rush to him, determined to spend every second of the few minutes I have before I need to walk out to the bus hugging, but Eli clearly has other plans. He pulls back, pushes gently on my chest and stares determinedly up at me.
“I’m going to call the pilot so we can fly home tonight,” he says. My heart breaks, yet a-fucking-gain. “But you should use the suite so you don’t have to room with any of them. And any time you ever want a room to yourself, you get it, okay? I know they’re assholes, but they’re paying you incredibly well, and you have that Nike money now, so you get yourself whatever you need when you’re on the road. I’ll find out if you don’t because you’re going to be texting me constantly from now on, right? And if you do want to talk about... everything with Tucker then I’ll send you his contact info, okay?”
“Okay, okay,” I whisper and comb down his hair, trying to get him to stop worrying about me, even though I know I have a very slim chance of achieving that.
He pulls me back to him, with more strength than I thought he had, and squeezes my shoulders like he’s as scared of letting go as I am.
But then . . . our minutes are up.
“They’re heading over.” Austin’s voice sounds suddenly from behind Eli, and I hadn’t even realized he was in the room.
I let myself have it for five more seconds.
One step back, one long glance to memorize a face that I already know better than my own, one smile, and then I’m gone.
As always, no one speaks to me on the drive to the hotel, no one asks me where I was all day, why I didn’t join them on their hunt for a good open restaurant, no one asks me who I’m talking to on the elevator ride up, or why I don’t get off on the team’s floor.
I pretend it doesn’t matter when I get Eli’s text that he and Austin are back in the city. I pretend it’s all fine when I force myself to sleep.
More than fifteen hours later, I’m still pretending.
