Even as a baby.
Mom has reminded me all my life about how big I was when I was born and the twenty-hours of labor she pushed through to bring me into the world.
I’ve always been ready for a fight, ready to put in the work, put all my effort into something and push through and get to the other end—whatever it may be—and now there’s no way through.
Fighting won’t get me anywhere if I can’t make sense of what it means that Eli did all this behind my back, made so many choices for me and took away the one reassurance I’ve always had when it comes to hockey—that I’ve never leveraged my name for my position.
I avoid facing myself in the mirror for as long as I can, brushing my teeth, washing my face carefully with a damp cloth, but when I finally look up, the green in my eyes reminds me of where I came from.
Legacy isn’t a concept I’ve been able to get a good grasp on in my twenty-three years.
In theory, I know what it means, but the Jankowski legacy isn’tmine.I haven’t done enough with my career to claim one, not like Vinny has.
I could be petty and say he’s had it easier, since there are bigger physical differences between him and Dad, but people only started to care about that after I was drafted. He’s been under the pressure of our last name his whole career too.
I shake my head then have to breathe deep to brace myself for the hard fact that I have to go down and get clothes from Eli’s closet.
I still don’t know what the fuck to say to him, still don’t really want to listen to anything he has to say, and I rehearse a way to say that without sounding like a total asshole, because I already did enough of that yesterday.
When I get to his floor, though, I see the door to his office is open, everything inside shut down, and the bedroom’s empty too, his bed made and everything.
He left . . .
Maybe he just went to the office? Maybe he’s giving me space.
That should feel better than it does.
It’s annoying at best, infuriating at worst.
I change quickly, and grab a few more things to take up to my room since I don’t know how long I’ll be using it.
When that’s done, I go downstairs to find the house empty except for Sam, who makes me a quick protein shake for breakfast and asks me if I’ll be eating at home since everyone’s at work and won’t be back until dinner.
I try, I really do, not to let my anger through when I tell him I’ll be here for lunch in a couple of hours. It’s really not Sam’s fault, so I even try to smile, but the thought that Eli just cut tail and ran is enough to have me power walking out of the house and onto the first path of the park just one block away.
The biting cold snaps me out of most of my anger, but nothing could stop my mind from overthinking everything I now know.
Every step I take, I replay every moment of the last two months, trying to pinpoint anywhere where Eli could’ve told me about this, anywhere where I’d maybe have had a chance of stopping this from happening.
I can’t find it.
I do find an empty bench, miraculously, and I sit, looking at the bare trees, some with a dusting of snow, the grass fully covered by now, and the sky a bleak gray.
I wonder when exactly Eli talked to Tucker. Was it when he first got back on social media? Or did he wait even a little?
I take out my phone, my delusion telling me that if I read every comment or post he’s made, I’ll be able to find out.
Instead, the first thing that pops on the screen is Lottie. A video of her giving a press conference.
I click play without thinking too much about it, and I’m speechless pretty quickly.
“Were you aware that Alexei Jankowski had waived his no-trade clause?”One reporter asks, and Lottie’s shaking her head before he’s even done.
“No. My family has kept me in the dark on this topic. I only realized they were doing it when it was announced. It’s pretty obvious why, though. I saw Lex during our Christmas break and I could tell something was going on.”
I’m surprised by how candid she’s being.
“I didn’t know what, and I still don’t know the details. All I know is what you know. I’m not even sure when he waived it, because that push from Girard looked intentional to me at least. In any case, New York obviously put the right deal on the table and the Empire agreed to it.”
