Chapter one
Cullen
I don’t really know where to start. I didn’t plan this, but I needed to get my thoughts out.
I hope it’s you who finds this, Cull. You’re the one whose forgiveness I want most. I never intended to keep my promise today, and I’m sorry. I needed you to believe, even for a moment, that everything was going to be okay. I saw thebruises and the pain you were in, and it was the last straw. The moment I realized he hurt you, I finally completely broke.
Ending things with you was supposed to fix everything, keep you safe, but I was wrong.
The darkness was already winning and seeing you hurt was more than I could handle.
I want to thank you, though. These last few weeks with you have been everything I never thought I could have. You’ve loved me the way I always dreamed you would, and I hope you know that your love is what has kept me going for so long. What kept me fighting. I love you. I hope that you will continue to feel my love long after I’m gone.
Pleasefind happiness. That’s my last wish for you.
Tell Hadley that I love her. That I forgive her. I know she’s angry, and she has every right to be. I did wrong by her, and I hope she knows how sorry I am. I wish I had been a better brother to her.
Mom and Dad, please forgive me. You did everything you could to keep my broken mind whole, but the devil on my shoulder is too strong, too loud. You were the best parents, and I’m sorry for the pain and heartache this will cause. I’m just too tired to keep hiding my pain. I hope you understand.
Cull, I hope you will always meet me at the river, even though I won’t be here physically. Remember me here. Remember all the love and laughter we shared here. This is where I fell in love with you and where our souls truly became one. It’s why I chose this place. To feel connected to you one last time.
I’ve fought this for so long, but I’m just… too exhausted to keep going. It’s too heavy. I’m too weak. Too broken. It’s hard to leave you, but I need to quiet my mind once and for all.
I love you. I love you all.
I’m sorry.
Hud
Another tear falls onto the page I’ve read a dozen times since the police officer brought it to us. We had already been here in this cold, bleach-soaked waiting room for hours when two cops came to question everyone. They had found this blue notebook, said that it was clear it was meant for us to have it.
It took me two hours to get the courage to read it.
Then another hour just to finish it.
And no matter how many times I’ve read it, it still destroys me.
Hud was hurting so much more than I realized.
He told me. God, he told me.
And I kept giving him speeches instead of seeing what was right in front of me.
Keep fighting. Keep holding on. Things will get better.
Like words were enough to keep him away from that ledge.
My stomach twists.
Maybe I helped push him there.
As soon as the thought digs in, the memory of Mrs. Nora’s scream crackles through my head again, making me flinch. Dad had barely gotten the words out before it ripped through the phone, raw and feral, filling the truck. My chest seized with every wail that rang out.
Now it lives in my head beside the sick crack of water when Hudson’s body hit the river.
It’s two sounds I wish I could scrub from my brain.
And a nightmare I desperately wish I could wake up from.
