She takes my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Don’t apologize. It’s been tough these last few weeks, and you’ve been killing yourself trying to be Hud’s support.”
I finally look at her. Her smile is sad, but her eyes hold warmth. “Hads, I don’t think I’ve apologized to you. Things with Hud happened fast, and we weren’t trying to hurt you. We just wanted to give you time.”
She nods, head tipping onto my shoulder. “I was awful to you,” she whispers. “As a girlfriend and after. I’m sorry, Cull.”
“Yeah, well. I forgive you for the shit you pulled when we were together, but when it comes to Hud…”
“You two look cozy.”
The rough voice cuts through the moment like a whip, and we both jolt. Hudson is standing just a few feet away, hands balled into fists and eyes flicking to where Hadley is still holding my hand. “I’m glad my failed attempt to kill myself brought you two back together.”
My stomach drops. Ella stands a few steps behind him, eyebrows to her hairline. He turns and marches down the steps, and I jump up to follow him.
“We were just talking, Hud,” I say to his retreating back, but he doesn’t stop walking. “Where are you going?”
He leans his hip on Ella’s car, arm crossed over his sling. “I thought it would be nice to go with you to get the food. Have some alone time. But I can see you are occupied.” He looks over my shoulder. “Ella, let’s go grab the food. These two can stay and reminisce on the good old days.” His narrowed eyes waver before he walks around the side of Ella’s car and opens the door.
Stay calm, Cull. The mood swings are normal right now.
Ella pulls her keys from her pocket and gets into the driver’s seat, not saying a word.
I jog around the car. “No, we can go. It’ll be nice to have some time alone with you,” I say, tugging his good arm towards my truck. He rips it away and curls his lip up at me.
“No. Stay. Remember how I needed space before I tried to off myself? Still need it,” he spits, then gets in the car, slamming the door.
Ella wastes no time pulling away from the curb and driving off down the road.
I’m left standing there, stunned and confused.
What the hell just happened?
Chapter eight
Hudson
I’ve been home from the hospital for about a week, and I still feel like I’m stuck in that dream-like limbo.
Some days I feel like I’m turning a corner. I laugh, feel more like myself again, and on those days, I can actually see a future. Other days, it feels like I’m being dragged back under, like I’m still drowning.
It’s frustrating, which is probably why I’ve been pissed off more than anything else lately.
The psychologist I’ve been talking to says I need to give myself grace. She says that healing looks different for everyone, and that I can’t expect to wake up one day and just be okay. She said the important part is wanting to heal.
And I do.
I’ve realized that when I can laugh, I feel good. That life isn’t just the darkness. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still creep up, or that I don’t fall into my old habits of self-loathing, but I’m slowly accepting that it can get better—doesget better.
And part of getting better is taking responsibility for my actions, which is why I’m driving to Cullen’s house to apologize for my outburst the other day.
He was gone when Ella and I came back from picking up lunch, but since I was still in a lousy mood, I didn’t bother trying to call him. One day bled into the next, and before I knew it, too many days had passed without hearing from him.
He’s respected my need for space, but his silence is unusual. I’m used to his persistence, to him insisting that I can’t pull away and that he’ll always be there.
Now I’m worried he’s finally giving up on me.
I wouldn’t blame him if he needs to. If I were him, I’d be done with me, too.
My spine prickles, and my fingers tingle. I inhale deeply, counting to ten before releasing, some of the anxiety receding.
