She blinks, like I’ve pulled her from somewhere far away.
“Yeah?”
My mouth suddenly feels dry, but I take her hand in mine.
“Um, I need to talk to you about something.”
She glances down at our joined hands and smiles, my heart thumping wildly.
“You’re my first best friend,” I say, squeezing her hand gently. “And you’ll always be one of my best friends.”
Her smile softens, but it slowly fades when she hears the hesitation in my voice.
My throat tightens.
“But I need some space.”
The words hang between us. Ella’s brows pull together, confusion flashing across her face before it goes completely blank.
“Why?” She asks, voice low.
“I realized something today.” My voice comes out smaller than I intended. “When I was at my lowest, I thought pills and alcohol were helping me survive. Really, they are just helping me avoid everything I didn’t want to face.”
I swallow hard.
“I asked for them, so I’m not putting it all on you. But I can’t keep reaching for an escape every time life gets too hard. And right now, being around you would make that too easy.”
For a second, she just stares at me. Then her hand trembles in mine.
I squeeze it again.
Ella yanks her hand away like my touch burned her.
“Is that so?”
She pushes off the couch and starts pacing, her arms wrapping tightly around herself before falling away again. Her movements are restless, frantic. “Let me guess. Cullen put you up to this.” A dry laugh escapes her. “God, he’s always had it out for me.”
I watch her wear a path into the carpet and feel a pang of guilt twist in my gut.
I don’t think Cullen ever had it out for Ella.
He could just see what I refused to.
Standing, I move into her path until she’s forced to stop. “Cullen didn’t put me up to anything,” I say gently. “He helped me see something I didn’t want to look at, but this decision is mine.”
I reach for her again, but she jerks away before I can make contact.
“Ella, I’m doing this because I need to get better. Every time things got hard, I looked for something to numb myself. I can’t keep doing that. I won’t.”
The hurt on her face makes me want to take every word back, even knowing I can’t.
The last thing I want is for her to think I’m punishing her.
“Maybe you should talk to someone,” I say carefully. “About using pills, I mean.”
Her head snaps up.
“I’m not an addict, Hudson.”
