The consultant takes his eyes away from his computer screen and focuses them on me. ‘Would you like to lead here, Beth?’
Justin holds up a hand as if he’s a kid at school asking to speak out in class. ‘The new one, prednisolone. It’s making her paranoid, delusional, at times.’
Dr Fletcher looks directly at me as he rolls up his shirtsleeves. ‘Has it helped with the nausea?’
I nod.
‘What about the itching?’ he asks. ‘How’s that been?’
‘Better.’ That has been a relief. The itching was like constantly living with a plague of fire ants scuttling about beneath my skin. It had become unbearable before I started this new drug. Some days the burning sensation had been hell. ‘Much better.’
‘Mmm.’ He squints at the screen. ‘How would you describe this paranoia?’
‘She’s seeing things that simply aren’t there,’ Justin says.
The consultant holds up a hand in my husband’s direction and swivels his chair around until he’s facing him. He’s polite but firm. ‘No disrespect, Mr Lakeland, but I need to hear things from your wife’s point of view before we make any drastic changes. There’s a fine balance to be had when it comes to medication.’ He leaves his gaze on Justin a moment too long, then turns to me. ‘What kind of things are you seeing?’
I glance at Justin. He’s put me in an impossible situation. I can hardly explain about the latest drama he’s making me watch in my own home.
‘Tell him about the figures you see at night,’ Justin says. ‘People who aren’t there.’
I glare at him. He’s lying, of course, covering up what this is really about.
The consultant leans forward.
‘He’s right,’ I lie. ‘I wake up in the middle of the night and see people walking around the bedroom.’
Justin butts in. ‘She gets very worked up. It worries me terribly.’
The consultant nods. ‘I understand.’ He returns his attention to the screen and begins typing.
I stare at Justin. His face is pale, his eyebrows furrowed. And in the moment, I think, perhaps he’s right. This new drugismaking me paranoid. Perhaps him asking Immy to stay to look after his mum really is genuine. On the face of it, his motivation is authentic. We desperately need the help.
But I know my husband. My emotions constantly flip-flop because of him. Some days, I feel as though I am losing my sanity.
The consultant carries on. ‘I take it you’ve continued to keep your workload to a minimum?’
Justin nods. ‘Correct. We’re not having Beth go into the office at all now. Haven’t for a while. And I’m reducing my hours, so I can spend more time looking after her as well.’
Dr Fletcher ignores him. ‘Beth, you must keep your strength up and keep your stress levels to a minimum. I’m giving you full licence to be selfish.’ He gives a kind smile and takes both of my hands. ‘Understood?’
I nod. ‘I just wish I didn’t feel sick all the time.’
‘Chemotherapy-induced nausea is often difficult to manage because of the many side effects. The drugs are known to cause psychiatric issues such as confusion and delirium – paranoia, too. If the itching is better, I’d like to try you on a lower dose. Let’s reduce it to twenty milligrams, and we can revisit at your next appointment.’
Justin nods. ‘I think this is the way to go.’
Of course he does.
27
SCARLETT
When I jump off the tram in Edinburgh’s West End, the streets are rocking, bodies everywhere. I make the four-minute walk up Shandwick Place, dodging between revellers brandishing banners, many of whom are also distributing flyers for an evening performance at the Playhouse.
The atmosphere is bursting with positivity, everyone out to have a good time. If only I were here in different circumstances. I love the vibe of this place. For a minute, I forget why I’m here. Then I spot a bar Daisy and I went to when we came here to the Fringe for her eighteenth birthday. We had such a great weekend.
I turn onto Rutland Street. It’s where the boutique hotel I’ve booked a room in is situated directly opposite the Clayback Hotel where Justin Lakeland – as Marcus Aurelius – is speaking tomorrow. The room cost an absolute fortune – elevated prices due to the Fringe – but it was the cheapest on offer. I was lucky to get a place to stay at all, but one opposite the Clayback Hotel – now that was a stroke of luck.
