“He means do you wanna fuck,” Cash whispered. I elbowed him in the side.
“Yeah?” My voice was so high that it sounded like I was asking a question. I cleared my throat and tried again. “I guess so.”
I said it like I didn’t care.
The grin Lee shot me told me he didn’t buy it.
And for once, I wasn’t buying it either.
I was moreupset about Cash getting upset than he was, and he kept sending me annoyed looks over dinner. Wilder wasn’t here again tonight—he and Gracie were at Avery’s—but Miller had turned up, and he’d brought food from the Thai place that he and Danny liked. I didn’t know what most of the stuff was, except for the rice, but it all tasted good, even after it had been in Miller’s car all the way from Hopewell. We ate the biko for dessert, and everyone agreed it was great except Cash, whowrinkled his nose after a couple of bites. I figured it was a texture thing for him. After dinner, Danny and Miller took advantage of Wilder not being here and went and snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. It was pretty obvious they didn’t want a third and a fourth wheel there with them, so I grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator and went and sat on the back porch.
The night was cool but not enough that I could be bothered to go grab my jacket from inside.
I’d been sitting there for a few minutes when the screen door swung open, and Cash came out and sat beside me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked me.
“Nothing,” I said and took a swig of beer. “Why would anything be wrong?”
He tilted his head and studied me. “I don’t know. Why would it? Jizz Guy likes you and you like him, so why have you got a wild hair up your ass?”
“We’re not calling him that,” I said. I glowered at my beer can. “There’s nothing wrong. I’m fucking peachy, okay?”
Except even I heard how pissed I was in my tone.
And it was dumb. Cash was right. I liked Lee and he liked me, and Cash punching him had been an accident just as much as him grabbing Cash had been, so why did I feel so goddamn irritated, like I just couldn’t settle? Things were going well. Lee hadn’t told me I was a fuckup and we couldn’t hook up anymore, and Cash wasn’t holding a grudge, and I should have been happy, but instead it felt like my skin didn’t fit right, or like I’d held my breath for too long and now I’d forgotten how to let it out again.
“You’re being weird,” Cash said and stole a sip of my beer before handing it back. He looked up at me, his brow creased, and said, “Are you mad at me for hitting him?”
“What? No, dumbass. Why would I be mad? If some stranger grabbed me from behind, I’d punch him too.” I bumped my shoulder against his.
He let out a long breath, and some of the tension left him. I knew he’d probably have nightmares tonight, and that wasn’t his fault either.
“You didn’t tell him about me,” he said.
I shrugged. “None of his business.”
Cash wrinkled his nose but didn’t say anything else for a while. He reached for my beer again and took another sip. “But you like him, right?”
“It’s whatever,” I said with a shrug and ignored the guilty twist in my gut.
“You like him,” Cash said softly.
And that was when I realized exactly why I couldn’t settle tonight. Why I was pissed at nothing in particular. I liked Lee, but I didn’t like change. And bringing him here, to the house, toCash, meant that something had shifted. There was meant to be a solid wall between Cash and me and the rest of the world. Even Danny and Wilder weren’t allowed in most times—only when our defenses were low. But this afternoon, with Lee, that hadn’t been just fucking. That had been something new, something intimate, somethingshared. And I wasn’t built to share with anyone except Cash.
It was terrifying.
And the most terrifying part was that I’d been the one to invite Lee in.
Maybe I’d gone soft living with Danny. Or maybe it was just that seeing how happy he and Miller—and Wilder and Avery—were made me want the same thing: someone who saw how fucked up I was and wanted me anyway.
Yeah, definitely going soft.
Going selfish too.
I’d promised myself when we got out of that crappy house in that shithole town that nobody was ever going to come between Cash and me, andI’d invited Lee in.
“It’s okay,” Cash said and I jolted. “It’s okay if you like someone. It’sallowed.”
