“I’m fine, Mom,” she said. “Honest.”
But she went and sat in the living room while Lee helped clean up and put away the leftovers. I hovered there for an awkward moment until Lola gave me two glasses of water and told me to go give one to Sam. I sat down on the couch with her.
“So, you’re Lee’s boyfriend now,” she said.
“Yeah.” I wondered if she was about to give me the little sister version of the shovel talk or something.
Instead she snorted. “You’re cute. You could do better.”
I guessed little sisters, just like twin brothers, were assholes. But it made me laugh.
“I figured I’d cut him a break,” I said.
Sam laughed too.
Lee’s grandpa came and joined us. He was so quiet when he spoke that I had to lean forward a little to hear him. He shook my hand and said it was nice to meet me, and then he did the weirdest thing and pressed a five-dollar bill into my hand. I tried to give it back to him, but he shook his head and wandered out of the room.
“Lolo always gives us money when he sees us,” Sam explained. “You can consider yourself officially adopted, I guess.”
My fingertips tingled against the bill and I folded it in half and shoved it in the pocket of my jeans. I could still feel it there, though, like it was burning a hole in the denim. I wasn’t opposed to being given random bills for doing nothing—I was a fan of it—but I didn’t know what to do with the twisting mess of complicated feelings swirling around in my gut because of the way all these people treated me like it was totally natural that I was here, like I was one of them. One of the family. Nobody had done that before except Jane, Danny’s grandma. We were all her boys. This felt the same as that had except that Cash wasn’t here. It didn’t feel right that he wasn’t a part of this. Like I was stealing something from him just because he hadn’t wanted to come to the party. Just… it felt like any step I took when he wasn’t there was the same as taking a step away from him. Leaving him behind.
He’d tell me I was an idiot. He didn’t even want to be here.
I drew a deep breath and tried to forget about the five dollars in my pocket. It wasn’t a big deal, except that I was making it one because my stupid brain could never just let me enjoy something without yelling,But what about Cash?
Pretty sure that was my first ever thought, from whenever I was old enough to start having them. And maybe not those exact words, because the thought had been there even before proper words. It was written on my fucking bones.
Like, once, we’d been the same zygote. Fuck if I even knew what a zygote was, but we were the same thing. And even when we split into two embryos, we held hands. So before I was evenanything, before bodies and words and thoughts and existence, there was Cash.
And the dumbest part was that Cash had things and people in his life that I didn’t, and I didn’t resent it. I wasgladhe had a job he liked, and his old lady friends to watch movies with on night shifts, and Grandma Jane slipping him candy bars. Because Cash deserved every good thing life could give him.
I just couldn’t seem to apply those same rules to me.
Lee came into the room carrying two plates and handed one to me. He sat in the armchair and said, “Lola says you need more cake. She likes you.”
“See?” Sam said. “They’ve adopted you.” She turned to Lee. “Lolo gave him money.”
Lee grinned like it was the best thing ever. Then he stood up and wedged himself on the couch between Sam and me.
“You’re squashing me!” Sam said.
He was squashing me too, but I wasn’t complaining about it. I ate my cake even though I was already fit to bursting, because it was just so good.
“You’re gonna take home a bunch of leftovers, right?” Lee asked me.
“Hell yeah.”
He gave me a smile so fond that it made my stomach flutter. “You want me to pack them up now or tomorrow morning?”
For a second I wrestled with indecision, but only just for a second. Because I wanted to be here, with Lee and with his family, feeling like I was a part of it too. And there was a small glimmer of hope in Lee’s eyes, and I was surprised to discover that I didn’t want to disappoint him. He wanted me here, and I wanted to be here, so there was only one answer I could give.
“Morning sounds good to me.”
We spentthe rest of the afternoon playing board games, which was apparently a Torres family tradition. Lola and Lolo left before dinner to drive home to Hampton Roads, and Lola pinched my cheeks just like Lee had said she would. It was weird, but I didn’t mind. And then, even though nobody was hungry at all, Lee made grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, and we ate them in front of the television.
It was nice.
I sent Cash a text telling him I was staying the night at Lee’s and got an eggplant emoji in return.
