“Iam.” I hated how my voice cracked. “Just leave me alone, okay?”
Danny’s brow furrowed, but he grabbed Cash’s blanket off his armchair and threw it over my legs, like he’d figured out this talk-it-out bullshit was going exactly nowhere. I pulled the blanket up under my chin, digging my fingers through the gaps in the crochet squares, and closed my eyes, hoping I could disappear.
When I opened them a few minutes later, Danny and Wilder were gone. So the blanket kind of worked.
I heard the sound of the mower starting up outside—Danny, so that must have been Wilder rattling around in the kitchen. I felt bad about throwing the beer can at him, but it wasn’t like I could apologize now. If I did, it would open up the whole conversation again, and fuck that noise.
The afternoon drew on into evening. Gracie came back from Avery’s, chattering away, and helped Wilder make dinner. We were on a beans and rice week again, but that was fine because Danny’s recipe rocked. I just sat in Cash’s chair and stuck my fingers through the holes in the blanket and tried not to think about anything at all.
The mower cut out at some point.
I heard Cash’s dirt bike coming down the street just as it was getting dark, so I forced myself out of his chair and slumped on the couch instead. I kept the blanket, though.
When Cash came inside, he didn’t even get as far as taking his backpack off before he took one look at me and whispered, “What happened?”
I could avoid talking to Danny and Wilder about it, but not Cash. Which was ironic since he never fucking talked. I shrugged. “Broke up with Lee.”
His gaze sharpened. “Why?”
“Because I wanted to,” I said.
“You’re lying.”
“Fuck off.”
Cash closed the space between us and slipped his backpack off. Dropped it soundlessly onto the floor. “Is it because of me?”
I always got pissed when people underestimated Cash because he was quiet. Except it turned out “people” included me. Of course he’d figured it out. “No, it isn’t.”
“It’s because of me.” It wasn’t a question this time. “Because you weren’t here. You were with him instead.”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”
Cash shot me a look. “But you like him.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said again. Maybe if I kept saying it, one of us would believe it.
He scowled, and okay, we always looked identical, but now I doubted even I could have told us apart. “But youlikehim. You werehappy.”
“Well, I wasn’t happy to come home and find you in the closet!”
He flinched like I’d slapped him.
“That came out wrong!”
He shook his head. “No, it didn’t.”
“Fuck you. I’m not blaming you!” This was a stupid argument to have when he was standing up and I was sitting down, so I stood up too. “I’m supposed to be here with you! That’s how it is!”
“Says who?” Cash snapped, louder than I’d ever heard him. Loud enough that I was aware of Wilder and Gracie and Danny falling silent in the kitchen.
“I said I’d always look after you, asshole!” I was shouting now. “What do you think ‘always’ means? I got in Dad’s way for you, every fucking time!”
I got up in his face, and he pushed me back. Hard. I caught myself before I landed on the couch.
“I didn’t ask you to do that!” His face was red and his eyes shone with tears. “Ineverasked you to do that!”
“Well, who the fuck else was going to protect you?”
