“I know what you’re thinking, and don’t. I want to keep having sex, thank you very much.”
“Well now I really want to hear this,” I said, bumping my shoulder against Chris’s. “Spill.”
“It was our junior year of college,” Marlee started. “It was the end of the year, when everyone’s having those big blow out parties as soon as their finals are over.”
“Oh I remember.”
Of course I hadn’t been much of a partier myself -- my friend group was small and mostly eager social justice warriors whodidn’t do a lot of hardcore partying – but I’d seen others having those parties. They were hard to miss.
“Chris had a huge crush on this little blonde sorority girl…”
“You had a crush on a sorority girl?” I asked in surprise. “That does not seem like you.”
The few times over the years that I’d seen Chris with a girlfriend they were on the masc side of the scale.
“It isn’t. Wasn’t,” she amended. “But there was something about her that appealed to me and I thought I was getting a vibe.”
“Anyway, Chris insisted we go to this party at the sorority house, and she’s following Candy around like a little puppy.”
“Wait.” I held up a hand. “Her name was Candy?”
Marlee rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I know. So we get to the party, and Candy is wearing this tight little tube dress that’s so short and tight it becomes very obvious very quickly that she’s not wearing panties.”
“Total slut,” April adds.
“And she’s super drunk and when she sees Chris she starts hanging on her, rubbing against her, pressing her surgically enhanced breasts against her shoulder, that kind of thing. Thenthe next thing we know, they’re making out like it’s their last night on Earth.”
Marlee stops as giggles overtake her, so April continues the story.
“Candy starts to feel her up, and just when the music stops to change songs she reaches between Chris’s legs and… let’s just say she didn’t find what she was expecting.”
“What does that mean?” I asked, looking between the friends.
“She yells out,Oh my God, where’s your dick? What happened to your dick?” Marlee screeches. “The entire party stops dead to look at poor Chris, who’s red as a fucking beet.”
“Wait, she thought you were a guy?” I asked in confusion.
“I thought she knew who I was and that I was female,” Chris said. “We were in a bunch of classes together and she’d always been sweet and flirty with me, so I assumed she was bi or something. I was in a butch period then, so my hair was super short, and I pretty much only dressed in menswear, but even so, I don’t think I could pass for a guy. I think she just wasn’t that bright.”
I couldn’t help it, I started laughing, and April and Marlee joined in.
“So what did you do?” I asked.
“We rescued her,” April said. “And then we took Chris home and gave her shots until she forgot all about Candy.”
“Hard to forget her when you tell this story every chance you get,” Chris said wryly.
I put my head on Chris’s shoulder and looked up at her, batting my eyelashes. “Well I for one am glad you don’t have a dick.”
Chris
“Ihate these things.”
Julia rolled her lips in, trying not to laugh. “No one likes them.”
“I think Allison might.”
“I know for a fact she does not,” she said. “But it’s part of the job. Once a year we have to dress up and go schmooze the donors. It’s especially important after our CFO scandal. We’ve already lost some pretty big donors because of it.”
