“I did not have sex in a closet,” I said carefully.
“Just made out?” she said cheerfully. “Chris is the person you’ve been dating for the last few months, right? Or is this new?”
“Yes, confidentially, we’ve been… uh, dating,” I admitted. “You know what, I think I will go home now.”
Robbie took the hint and stood up. “For what it’s worth, Chris is a great woman, and you’ve seemed happier the last few months, more settled. I hope it works out between you two.”
Her kind words felt like a knife to the gut.
“Thanks. Have a good weekend.”
“You too.”
As I walked out of my office my phone buzzed with a message from Chris. Not even bothering to read it, I turned off my phone.Whatever she wanted to say now, it didn’t matter. She’d been clear about where we stood. Now I wanted to just go home and lick my wounds.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought maybe I was overreacting. Maybe Chris’s words hadn’t been the renunciation they seemed. Maybe her words had been a kneejerk reaction. But I couldn’t stop focusing on how it felt to hear her saying that I meant nothing to her. It had brought up all the feelings of inadequacy I’d had, all the feelings of being too much for people, never being good enough.
I made a quick stop at the grocery store to pick up anything I’d need for the weekend, then went home. It was only two o’clock in the afternoon, but I put on my pajamas, poured myself a glass of wine, and settled in front of the TV to watch something that suited my mood:Anne of Green Gables.
Reclining on the couch, I watched as Anne fought with Gilbert, and then when Matthew died, I finally let go of the tight hold I had on my emotions. I’d always been this way. It was hard for me to cry when something went wrong unless I watched something sad. Then under the guise of crying over the movie I could let my emotions flow.
And they did flow. I sobbed through the remainder of the movie.
When I woke up Saturday morning I felt like shit. The combination of junk food, too much red wine, and crying had given me a fierce migraine. The fact that the weather was dark and dreary didn’t help my mood. I took some migraine meds –the kind that I only took when things were bad – and spent most of the day in bed sleeping.
By the time Sunday rolled around my head was feeling better, even if my heart wasn’t. I dragged myself out of bed, made a pot of coffee and some toast, and sat at the kitchen table to check my phone. There were multiple messages from Chris, including one telling me that she was coming over to talk. That was followed by another message thirty minutes later stating that she assumed I wasn’t home since I didn’t answer the door. I’d been so out of it from my meds I hadn’t heard a thing.
With a sigh, I decided to respond.
Julia:I just saw all your messages. I was in bed all day yesterday with a migraine.
Chris answered immediately.
Chris:Are you okay? I’m really sorry about what happened in Gina’s office. I don’t know why I said what I did. I panicked.
Julia:It’s fine. All for the best, really. We had fun but I think this thing between us has run its course anyway.
Chris:No. Julia, please. I didn’t mean it when I said we were just having fun, I swear. I should have told Gina that you were my girlfriend. It was a stupid mistake.
Julia:I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and you and I will never work. It’s probably good this happened now before one of us caught feelings.
Chris:You don’t mean that. This thing we’ve had has been good. Really good. I love being your girlfriend.
Julia:We were playing with fire making out at work like that. My job is really important to me, and I know yours is important to you too. It’s not healthy for us to be this into each other.
Chris:It’s healthy if it’s love.
I grabbed my stomach as a shot of pain moved through me. It’s the kind of thing that I’d wanted to hear from her. I’d struggled to figure out how Chris felt, if she was falling for me the way I was falling for her. But that didn’t change the fact that we’d both acted inappropriately, risking our jobs. My intense feelings for her weren’t healthy. And it didn’t change the fact that when we were questioned, the first thing Chris did was deny that I meant anything to her. It was clear the feelings went one way.
Julia:I think it’s for the best if we stop seeing each other. Let’s just be friends.
Chris:I can’t be friends with you.
Julia:Then I guess I’ll just see you at work.
Chris:Can we talk in person? Please. I need to fix this.
Julia:We had fun, but it’s time to move on. It’s best for both of us.
