Jacob pried Felix’s fingers off his shirt. Felix let him, humiliated. He’d been turned down before, obviously. But never like this. He should’ve known Jacob wouldn’t want to sleep withhim after they finished the list. He’d just hoped he’d been good enough in bed that Jacob wouldn’t care.
He started to pull his hands out of Jacob’s grip, but to his surprise, Jacob held him fast.
“You must be happy,” Jacob said, still holding his hands. “To get to sleep with other people again. Right?”
“You betcha,” Felix croaked, breaking out in a cold sweat. What the fuck was going on? What was with the soul-searching look Jacob had given him earlier if he didn’t want to sleep with him? Why was Jacobstillholding his hands?
Jacob ran a thumb over Felix’s knuckles. “You… you have to use the cream when I’m not five minutes’ walk away from you, okay? Both of them.”
“Right,” Felix said, confused. Was Jacob holding his hands to make a point about the cream? Was this just a friend thing and Felix was blowing it all out of proportion? They had an intense friendship, sure. But not the kind where they stood within kissing distance holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes.
“And we’ll still see each other all the time,” Jacob said desperately. “Even after we graduate.”
“Right,” Felix repeated, stuck between deep confusion and incredible hope. The confusion was winning, obviously, but the stupid, stubborn hope lit him up like never before. He’d never suspected Jacob felt anything romantic for him until this moment. But hey, he was never the smartest cigarette in the pack, or whatever that saying was. He could be making something out of nothing.
It didn’t stop his traitorous heart from pounding as Jacob stroked his hands. Or when Jacob leaned down, those beautiful eyes falling shut. Or when Jacob kissed him, so slowly and sweetly it almost stopped Felix’s racing brain.
Almost. Even as he kissed back, Felix couldn’t stop his screaming thoughts: Jacob didn’t want to fuck, but he did want to make out? Was this a goodbye kiss? What the fuck washappening?
Then Jacob deepened the kiss, and Felix stopped thinking.
Jacob took Felix’s face in his hands. He stroked Felix’s cheeks, and Felix felt cherished in ways he never had before. Nobody touched him like this. Felix was the guy you had a good time with then forgot about. He wasn’t the guy who held hands or got his face stroked, but here was Jacob, making him feel like he was something worth holding.
Felix heard himself moan. He pressed closer, tangling his fingers in Jacob’s button-down. He felt starved. Like he’d been offered something he thought he’d never get again, and he needed to gorge himself while he still could. He waited for Jacob to push him back, tell him he was too much, like always.
But Jacob just clutched him tighter. He kissed Felix like he had something to prove, like he never wanted to let go, like…
Fuck. If Felix let himself believe it, he could almost convince himself Jacob kissed him like he was in love with him.
The door slammed open.
Felix jumped back just in time to watch Shane run in then stumble to a stop, his frustration switching to shock as he noticed the two boys tangled together in the middle of the dorm. He had his phone in his hand, and he was panting from carrying boxes.
“Uhhhh,” Shane said, putting his phone away. “I can… come back later?”
“It’s fine,” Felix replied automatically. He turned to Jacob, expecting to see Jacob looking awkward and avoiding their eyes. But Jacob was still staring at Felix, upset. Why was he upset? Shane already knew about them, so it couldn’t be that. Washe sad about getting interrupted? Or was Felix’s useless hope actually onto something?
Shane jogged over to his old dorm bed and got on his knees, reaching underneath it until he emerged with a triumphant yell and a phone charger.
“Little shit,” Shane hissed, stuffing his charger in his pocket. Then he stood, giving them both a stiff head bob. “So… you’re still doing dinner, right?”
“Totes,” said Felix, who had never said ‘totes’ before in his life.
Shane bobbed his head again. “Cool. See you guys there. You’re coming, yeah?”
Jacob nodded silently.
“Well,” Shane said. Then he turned and left, seeming to think that was a sufficient goodbye.
The door closed quietly behind him. Felix turned back to Jacob, waiting to see what the hell that had been about.
Seconds passed. Nothing happened. Felix fought down the horrible hope that had been more alive in the last five minutes than in the last fifteen years, and forced a smile. “On that note,” he said, grabbing his suitcase by its frayed handle. “I might hitch a ride with him. Better than paying for the bus.”
He headed for the door, heart in his throat.
“Felix,” Jacob croaked.
Felix whirled. His hands were shaking, which was embarrassing. He clenched them around the suitcase handle, hoping Jacob didn’t notice.
