Prologue
Honestly? Fuck Luke Shaw
Ifyouwouldhavetold me three months ago that I’d be sitting here experiencing the worst pain of my life because of a fuckingboy,I would have laughed in your face, straight-up called you an idiot, and maybe kicked your ass for good measure. You couldn’t have paid me to believe that Luke-Fucking-Shaw and I would ever end up together—let alone that I would want us to—or that we’d have one of the messiest breakups in the history of breakups. But here we are.
Despite how wrong it all went in the end, I’ll be damned if those three months weren’t some of the best days of my thirty-five years on this earth. I was doomed from the moment he walked into the shop, even if I was too stupid to see it. But when I finally figured it out, it was like a bombshell went off. Suddenly, my world was so much brighter.
I knew it in the way he always made me laugh when I was with him and the conversations that were always so easy between us. I knew it in the quiet moments when he looked at me as if I was the sun that banished the clouds, and his smile would light upevery time he saw me. I knew it becauseIcouldn’t stop smiling every damn time I thought of him.
Now that it’s ending so tragically, I don’t even know how I’m still breathing. God, I didn’t know this could hurtso much.Is it possible for a heart to break from misery? Because it sure as shit feels like that’s what’s happening.
But you know, I wouldn’t trade it for the fucking world. Any of it. Not a damn thing. Not even this.
I love this fucking idiot, and I can’t help but laugh to myself to think that it might be too late for me to tell him. How tragic is that? This is the part where he’d laugh in my face, and his lips would curl up into that adorable little half-smile that always drove me crazy, and he’d say something along the lines of, “You’re so intense.”
God, what I wouldn’t give to see that smile again. I don’t care how many fights we might get into or if he decides he never wants to see me again, but thiscan’tbe it. It can’t end like this…
Luke Shaw can’t die before I’ve had the chance to kill him for breaking my heart.
Chapter One
Look Who's Back
Itstartslikeatypical Tuesday. My alarm clock goes off at five-thirty, and I get out of bed to make a half-pot of coffee before jumping in the shower. I cook breakfast, then spend the rest of my morning reading on the back deck as the sun rises until I have to leave for work. Sounds good so far, right?
That’s where any definition of ‘normal’ ends, and my life is doomed to change forever.
Walking into work, I can immediately tell that something’s happening by the buzz of energy and chatter going around what is usually a quiet shop. Most of these guys are the walking personification of zombies for the first few hours of any workday, rolling out of bed and driving into work without even passing a comb through their hair. Today, they’re chatting in little groups, and their excitement is palpable. Whatever it is, it must be big.
I move to my station and start setting up for the day, trying to ignore the swirling cloud of gossip, but I should know it’s inevitable that I’ll get dragged into it. Nothing worth this much conversation stays mysterious for long. Sure enough, I’mat my post for less than a minute before Eric, Marcus, and Ben surround me like hyenas circling their prey. Folding my arms across my chest, I lean against the bench, waiting to be enlightened.
“Ethan,” Marcus greets me with a mischievous grin. “You’ll never guess who’s starting work today.”
My brows furrow at that. All this fuss is over a new hire? That’s unusual. I don’t respond but arch a quizzical brow instead.
“Luke Shaw.”
The way he says it sounds like that name is supposed to mean something to me, but I’m drawing a blank. My face must reflect as much because Marcus groans.
“God, come on, Ethan. You know who I’m talking about.LukeShaw!”
I roll my eyes. “Obviously, I don’t. Who is Luke Shaw?”
“Dude!” Eric scoffs. “You remember that kid from high school? The really tall one with glasses who gotoutedhis freshman year?”
Frowning, I go back twenty years in my memory when it suddenly clicks. Not the name, necessarily, but the situation. I groan internally as I finally understand why everyone’s so interested in this guy coming to work here. It leaves a pit in my stomach to think that even more than a decade later, he’s still being given grief just for beinggay. Fucking small towns, man.
Our paths never crossed, but I’d heard about him like everyone else did when it happened. A couple of bullies brutally outed the poor kid, determined to ruin his life, and afterward, he was the black sheep of the entire village. So much gossip had passed around that it was all anyone talked about formonths. It made me uncharacteristically angry whenever the subject came up, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had already graduated the year before he started high school, so I was too far removed from it.
But I always wondered how I would have reacted. The self-righteous side of myself always believed that I would have stood up for the kid—maybe we’d have even been friends. The rational side wonders if I would have stayed out of it to save face. High school was fucking brutal on the best of days, but there’s no telling how bad Luke must have had it, and for what? Something he had absolutely no control over.
“Okay, I vaguely know who you’re talking about.” I sigh. “But what’s the big deal? He’s working here now. What of it?”
Marcus rolls his eyes like he regrets telling me anything, but he continues, “No one’s seen or heard from him inyears, and now he’s suddenly back almost overnight. Word is that he was living in New York City for a while.”
He says it like he expects me to ask him about it, but I don’t give him the satisfaction. I stare blankly at him, wondering what he hopes to gain from this conversation. He’s my best friend, so the fact that I’m not interested in gossiping about the gay guy shouldn’t come as such a shock. I mean, Marcus and I practically grew up together, and the fact that I’m a fierce ally for LGBTQ+ rights isn’t new. And yet, he seems to have forgotten who he’s talking to in all the excitement.
Marcus groans. “Dude. Aren’t you even alittlecurious about him? What he’s been up to? Why he’s back?”
